by Noj Mocsab, August 3, 2017 (TDE/AP)
The Centers for Disease Control has confirmed that the contagious disease, liberalitis, is now endemic in certain large American cities, primarily along the northern Atlantic and Pacific coasts but also in a few other major urban centers such as Chicago.
The infectious condition first emerged in the U.S. during the Roosevelt administration in the Depression-era 1930s. Its spread was largely held in check during the Eisenhower, Regan and Bush years, but now appears to be expanding.
Dr. I.M. Gutenschmartz, an epidemiologist and infectious disease specialist from the Universitat ob Innsbruck in Austria, is the world’s foremost authority on the condition. In a recent interview, he explained that the virus-borne disease affects brain cells in a way that interferes with everyday common sense. “These patients are afflicted with delusions,” he explained. “They see and believe things that would be preposterous and obviously false to normal individuals.”
The delusions that result from the condition fall into common patterns. Infected individuals most frequently imagine the following things:
- Capitalism is evil, despite historic evidence that it is responsible for America’s prosperity and power
- High taxes don’t hurt the economy or the middle class, so long as they are only imposed on businesses and successful people
- Large government bureaucracies are efficient and effective
- There is no connection between socio-economic systems and freedom
- If one feels bad about something or someone, a government agency should be created to deal with it
- Corollary: the government’s main job is to give things to people
- Paying for things with debt makes them really free, with no cost or consequences to anyone ever
- Problematic behaviors such as crime, drugs, illegal immigration, cultural unemployment should be subsidized with welfare payments and social programs, then they will go away
The infection was first noted in Russia early in the twentieth century. More recently, epidemics have occurred in Greece, Cuba and Venezuela. There are disturbing signs it may have also taken hold in parts of the European Union. In the United States, university faculties, aging hippies and “millennials”—those born near the end of the last and beginning of the current centuries—are most susceptible.
“Eventually it runs its course, unfortunately with the collapse of the infected society,” Guttenschmartz said, citing the failure of the former Soviet Union, the social chaos gripping Greece and the dysfunction in Venezuela. “These are classic end-stage scenarios,” he added. “And unfortunately, nations that contracted the disease and eventually recovered are not immune to new outbreaks; we seldom learn from history.”
Senators Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, known to have been ravaged by the outbreak, are cooperating with the medical community by providing tissue samples for study to aid the search for a cure. Republican lawmakers, so far largely unaffected, are proposing legislation to place Sanders and Warren in isolation to protect against infecting others. People who experience the symptoms are advised to proceed left to the nearest emergency room where liberal drivel can be suctioned from the eyes, ears and mouth.
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