The Devil is well documented in human history. He (some believe SHE) is mentioned numerous times in The Bible. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines him (or is it her?) as “the personal supreme spirit of evil”. And you remember the television icon of the 60s and 70s, Flip Wilson, who personally testified to The Devil’s interference in his life. He, of course, would never lie. There is other irrefutable evidence as well. Yes, the Devil is REAL and we know who he is.
HardWired News has now accessed amazing new technology that allows us to physically identify the actual Devil. Our scientists have recently perfected a Spiritually Induced Quantum Field Fluctuation Detector (SIQFFD or “sig-fuh-fid” for short). This innovation scans quantum field disturbances around a person caused by their spiritual self, otherwise invisible to the eye. Our researches have scanned millions of conventional images with the new technology, and have positively identified the individual who, despite all appearances to the contrary, is actually the Devil.
As any observer can see, the Devil is actually Judge Brett Kavanaugh! If the actual sig-fuh-fid scan is not enough, consider the following shocking facts about dirty-rotten Kavanaugh:
- Drank beer in high school and college
- Threw ice at a guy in a bar once
- Took sides in a quarrel between roommates.
- Can’t prove he didn’t assault someone at a teen beer party
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, the last one was denied by the Devil, can’t be corroborated by anyone including the people the complaining woman said were there; was flat-out denied under oath by a third party that the complaining woman said was a witness; was made by a democrat ideologue at the very end of a nomination process where Kavanaugh (did we mention he’s Republican?) was about to be recommended for the Supreme Court; wasn’t discovered in seven FBI background checks; and wasn’t brought up years before when he was overwhelmingly confirmed to the most important Federal appellate court in the country. But, hey, if any one of those charges is true (especially drinking beer – who does that?!), it should be enough to disqualify him from public office and prove he is the Devil. And we have plenty of other evidence of his evil: we just don’t want to talk about it right now.
Yes, the evidence is clear; Brett Kavanaugh is the Devil. Now go out and protest or something.