How to Know if Trump Colluded with Russia

Russian American FlagsHave you wondered about rumored election collusion between Donald Trump and Russia (HWN: Aug. 5) and how in the world we can know if it’s true?  Well, the HardWired News staff of political and social scientists has been working on the problem.  Here is their Top Ten List of Ways We’ll Know if Trump Colluded with the Russians:

Top Ten Ways to Know if Trump Colluded with Russia

10 Borscht & vodka replace hotdogs and beer at ML baseball games

Cossack dancer Cropped 9 Trump and Putin caught Cossack dancing in the oval office

8 U.S. Army issued Kalashnikov rifles

7 Former Soviet foreign minister Sergey Lavrov named Trump’s White House chief of staff

6 U.S. Constitution is amended to make Russian Orthodox the official U.S. religion

5 Carnegie Hall becomes the formal home of the Bolshoi Ballet

Melania-Trump Cropped
Czarina

4 Official title of the American First Lady changed to “Czarina”

3 In Washington DC approved attire for women at State events includes babushkas and galoshesRussian Dome CROPPED

2 Colorful onion-shaped lúkovichnaya glavá dome added to the top of the Capitol

And the Number One way we can tell if Trump has colluded with the Russians:

1 Sen. Schumer, Rep. Schiff and Rep. Pelosi are sent to an arctic-Alaska work gulag until they publicly confess their crimes against the State

Why Journalists Bash Trump Now Revealed!

jake-tapper-halpert-face-1476904566-compressedEveryone realizes that most journalists routinely denigrate President Donald Trump, negatively spinning everything from handshakes with foreign leaders to his business dealings, while ignoring or trashing his accomplishments.

Polls

Well, The Gallop Polls organization recently conducted an extensive, scientifically sound survey of mainstream journalists regarding their reporting on Donald Trump.  These are the top ten reasons they gave for the tone of their coverage of him:

 

 

Top Ten Reasons Journalists Bash Trump

10 It feels so good

9  Increases ratings

8  He’s probably doing bad things, even if I can’t prove it

7  If I don’t stand up to this moron, who’s going to

6  Win awards from other biased journalism organizations

5  Be perceived as courageous

4  People who don’t believe as I do are evil, especially Trump

3  It’s no fun pretending to be unbiased anymore – let it all hang out!

2  Getting even for his Tweets about Fake News

And the Number One Reason journalists bash Trump:

1  I’m just so really, really pissed he won

Thank goodness we FINALLY have a rational explanation for our mainstream news coverage!

Hillary Clinton’s Top Ten Reasons for Losing the Election

crazy-hillaryRemember when Hillary Clinton was going around giving speeches and appearing on TV, telling everyone why she lost and who was to blame (certainly not HER).  Well, Hardwired News research department has analyzed all of her public statements and identified the top ten reasons Hillary Clinton gave for losing the election.  Here you go:

Hillary Excuses 2

Top Ten Reasons Hillary Actually Gave for Losing the Election: 

10 The Russians were supposed to help ME, dammit 

9  That pink pantsuit made my a** look fat 

8  Bill’s drooling, stammering and slack-jawed leering on the trail were a distraction (should have divorced him 20 years ago) 

7  The polls were wrong, at least the ones I believed 

6  Staff forgot to tell me I had to appeal to actual mainstream voters 

5  Too tired from fundraisers to campaign in swing states 

4  Federal Election Commission unfairly and illegally allowed my lifetime of lying, scamming, and money grubbing to be used against me

3  Vote rigging was botched allowing actual election returns to be used 

2  Did I mention the outrageous persecution over my secret server and illegally deleted e-mails 

And the Number One Reason why Hillary Clinton lost the election:

1  Okay, okay—voters actually preferred whacky Donald Trump to me

At last we know what the heck really went wrong!

Political Translator

Are you like me, confused by the political rhetoric, where one politician says something and another characterizes it in a completely different way?  Well, Prof. I.M. Gutenschmartz, noted linguist and semanticist at the Universitat ob Innsbruck in Austria, has come up with this handy political translator guide: check it out

Political Translator

When Republicans say…                               Democrats translate

Illegal alien                                                     All immigrants

Conservative                                                   Hater

Support police                                                Black lives don’t matter

Gang members                                               People of color

Law & order                                                    Target minorities

Enforce immigration law                            Break up families

Climate claims skepticism                          Roller coaster to hell

Keep America safe                                         Persecute Muslims

Sabotage                                                            RESIST

2nd Amendment                                             Foster gun violence

Radical Islamic Terrorist                             Refugee

Across-the-board tax cuts                            Tax cuts for the wealthy

Unsubstantiated accusation                        Guilty

Speculative conspiracy theory                   Smoking gun

Health care reform                                        Kill people

Free speech                                                      Hate speech

Election victory                                               Stolen, Russian conspiracy

Trump Tweets                                                 Lunacy

Trump allies                                                    Conspirators, criminals

Donald Trump                                                Evil

At LAST we can understand what the ^&*#@!@ politicians are saying!