Exclusive Interview: Goofy Adam Schiff

 

Schiff goofy CroppedYou remember Adam Schiff, don’t you?  The goofy looking representative from an uber-liberal California district (aren’t they all?).  His only claim to fame was insisting he had indisputable evidence of Trump’s collusion with the Russians to throw the 2016 election, and in turn called for his immediate impeachment.  Of course, now that the Mueller (the handpicked darling of the Dems) report has exonerated the president of collusion and failed to charge him with anything, Schiff has grown strangely silent, although when pressed he continues to maintain that President Trump really did collude, criminally obstructed the investigation, and should be impeached anyway.

So HardWired News caught up with Schiff for a follow-up interview to see what he has to say now:

HWN:    Now that Trump has been exonerated by the Mueller report of collusion, do you think he should still be impeached?

Schiff:    Is the Pope Catholic?

HWN:    You always said you personally have secret absolute proof of his collusion.

Schiff:    I do.

HWN:    What is it?

Schiff:    I don’t feel like saying right now.

HWN:    And what about obstruction of justice claims, for which he was never charged?

Schiff:    He did that too.

HWN:    Didn’t he simply proclaim his innocence, and talk about taking actions, which he never did, based on frustration over a false charge of which he was cleared?

Schiff:    Well…maybe…I just don’t want to talk about that.  He should be impeached.

HWN:    Didn’t the infamous Spanish Inquisition, during which people were tortured and executed for being alleged heretics, find that people claiming their innocence and objecting to the process deserved the death penalty for simply doing that? 

Schiff:    But this is Trump.

HWN:    What do you say to those who claim that you are the goofiest looking legislator ever?

Schiff:    That’s beside the point.  And what about Nancy Pelosi?

HWN:    Were you bullied in high school?  And do you wet the bed?  Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Schiff:    Trump should be impeached.

Schiff Cartoon 7-10-19

For the record, the Honorable Representative Adam Schiff is not a single-issue guy.  He also maintains the End of Days is near, he has been abducted by aliens, the world is flat, and Beto O’Rourke will be elected the next president of the United States.

For more information, go to:

www.thisisamadeupstory.com

A Modest Proposal: Millennials, Snowflakes and the Future of America

scold.jpg

We get it.  Every “older generation” (e.g. us) is critical of young people.  Remember the song from the 60s musical, Bye-bye Birdie.

 

What’s the matter with kids today

why can’t they be like we were

perfect in every way

oh, WHAT’S the matter with kids to – dayyyyyyy

But despite the misgivings of seniors, people pretty much turn out all right (if you forget the Hippies).  At least they have in the past.

However, enter the Millennials, colloquially defined as those reaching young adulthood in this, the early twenty-first century.  Inexplicably, they are a generation raised apart from the normal experience of human history, as if in some bizarre, misguided science experiment.

Remember how we signed up for after-school programs?  Little league, Brownies or Cub Scouts?  In contrast, the Millennials are craftily enrolled by calculating parents in carefully selected activities designed to give their children just the right experience to make them superior to all others.  While we grabbed a glove and went down to the sandlot to play some ball with our buds, now, hovering soccer moms and “involved” soccer momfathers sign the kids up, drive them, participate in every aspect, argue with coaches and umpires, take everyone out for pizza afterwards, and console the losers.  And everyone is told again and again, “good job!” (barf)  Helicopter mothers endlessly circle over their children’s lives.  No wonder these children cannot function in modern society.

“So what?” you might say.  “I haven’t any skin in the game.  No harm, no foul, just let them be doofuses.”  If so, you’d be missing a key point.

They will be our future leaders!  No way around it.  The normal people are going to die (we hope this doesn’t shock you) and they will be the only folks left.  If you think the generations coming up behind will be more functional, think again.  The Millennials, unlike their parents, seem bent on raising their kids exactly like they were!  It’s part of the disease.

Think about it.  Here are some characteristics of Millennials that would define their performance as our leaders:

texting
Millennials Preparing for Leadership
  • Can’t write or read cursive
  • Types with their thumbs
  • Writes in primitive abbreviations (e.g. you are = ur)
  • Corollary: Can’t spell without SpellCheck, and even then screws it up
  • Believes debt should be forgiven by the government if it was for a good cause or didn’t work out
  • Just fine interrupting a conversation to answer the phone or respond to a text
  • Posts every action and thought on the Internet
  • Corollary: posts photos of an accident rather than helping
  • Thinks the government has infinite money
  • Sees no problem with socialism, and can’t understand why all countries don’t do it
  • Can find no logical connection between market capitalism and our standard of living or success as a nation
  • Believes a job is a right that exists for their personal enjoyment
  • Keeps a small electronic device constantly attached to their hands and frozen in front of their face
  • Are convinced we are dumb
millennials-reschooled.jpg
Reeducation Camp

For the majority who say we should euthanize these young people and start over, we at HardWired News believe that possibly is too harsh (although we’re keeping an open mind).  We should compassionately take a note from Stalin’s playbook, and send them to “reeducation” camps, where they can be straightened out, even if it takes the rest of their lives (heh-heh-heh).  There they would be responsible for their own decisions.  Consequences for actions and inaction would fall upon them without interference.  They would be allowed to formulate their own goals, achieve them or not, and live with the results.  The inmates could reach their own decisions absent liberal dogma or political correctness.

Or are we just dreaming?

__________________________________________

You do realize we’re kidding, right?  Sort of…

Will Weird California Join the Secession Bandwagon?

California secession image

California is at it again.

You may have heard Catalonia, a region in northeast Spain where the tony resort city of Barcelona is located, wants to secede and become independent.  The French-speaking province of Quebec tried the same thing with Canada a few years earlier.  And the quirky Scots narrowly failed to vote independence from England and the British Empire.  The separatist sentiments continue to smolder in all those regions.

Experts say the quest for separation is due to differences from the rest of the country in a region’s culture, language, religion, ancestral origins, or relative prosperity.  Quebec, for instance, speaks French and has a more robust industrial base than other areas—all English speaking—of Canada.  The Catalonians also have a unique local language and are by and large wealthier than elsewhere in Spain.  And the Scots?  Well, they’re just Scots; there’s really no one else like them.

So how is California so different that it wants to be separate from the rest of America?  HardWired News has done an exhaustive scientific study and learned exactly why.

California differences JPEG copy

So there really are fundamental differences between California and authentic America.California Secession  To be clear, we are talking about the uber-left western regions such as LA, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Berkeley (of course), San Jose (school’s still out on San Diego).  The northern-and-easternmost areas are quite normal and would likely remain American.

So should we let the over-the-moon, whacko liberal areas secede and become their own California nuclear explosioncountry?  It’s an interesting proposition.  Eventually, America could establish diplomatic relations and allow well-regulated tourism and trade between the countries.  Although we could never, ever—under any circumstances—allow them to acquire nuclear weapons!  It would be the same as giving your toddler scissors to run around with.

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2018 JOURNALISM AWARDS ANNOUNCED

Award Show CNN

It’s well known that journalists and their cozy industry organizations fall all over themselves giving each other pointless awards.  Winning them is a big driver for what and how news is covered.  HardWired News has obtained an exclusive preview of the award categories and their standards for the upcoming year.

2018 Journalism Awards

CNN Award for ExcellenceFake News CNN

               best story bashing Trump 

CBS “Ceebies” for Outstanding Reporting

best on-air reporter who only covers Trump stories that can be spun negatively

Broadcast Journalists Organization

 longest consecutive timeline mentioning nothing favorable about Trump or his administration 

Best Fantasy Journalism Awards

 for the reporters who publish the best and/or most unsubstantiated and baseless stories about Trump and Russian collusion, because they so desperately want it to be true (1st, 2nd, 3rd…100th prizes) 

National Organization for Women: Courage in Feminism Writing Award

best articles bashing Melania and Ivanka Trump or their children, and pretending to be pro-women 

Television Late-Night Comedy Patriotism TrophyColbert Cropped

most foul names, crude jokes, and offensive skits about POTUS 

The Pullitzer Prize for Journalistic Excellence

               no standards, just best Trump bashing 

The field is large, the competition fierce.  I can’t wait to see the gala award shows on TV!

Trump Slams Fat People

The Daily Echo JPG LOGO COLOR

TRUMP ATTACKS FAT PEOPLE

Calls for Their “Final Elimination”

by Noj Mocsab, Aug. 14, 2017 (NYT/AP)

Speaking to an assembly of supporters in West Virginia over the weekend, Donald Trump disparaged “fat” people, calling them worthless and announcing efforts to identify and eliminate them.

Trump Angry
Fat Hater

“Fat in government will no longer be tolerated,” he told the gathering of cheering supporters who are self-described “Deplorables.”  “It must be identified, weeded out and permanently eliminated.  It has been tolerated too long.”

Democrat Senator and Minority Leader Chuck Schumer noted that there have long been civil servants with all body types, including those with a BMI (body mass index) above the medically recommended ideal.  “We all know what Trump meant,” commented Schumer.  “The persecution and liquidation of heavy-set people in America has long been Donald Trump’s goal.  He is starting with federal employees, but the roundups and executions will not stop there.”

Multiple anonymous officials confirm that Trump is a racist, misogynist, and mean to puppies.  These sources confirm he is planning to call up the National Guard to ferret out fat people.

White House operatives immediately tried to walk the comments back, insisting he was referring to “fat” in the sense of excess government spending, and not in regards to actual people.  “No one’s buying that garbage,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said during a press briefing.  “I’m just glad I’m skinny.” (Ed. note: technically she’s not skinny)

California Representative Adam Schiff (@goofyadamschiff) said the comments were one more piece of proof that the president colluded with Russia to steal the election.

Trump spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted these reports were “fake news” designed to denigrate and humiliate the president so his administration could not be effective, and the Democrats will have a better chance of political success in the midterm elections.  “That would be great,” acknowledged Jake Tapper of CNN, “but this is the kind of hard-hitting, factual reporting people expect from us.  These ‘fake’ claims are paranoia.”

 (comments should be directed to maydupnoos@tde.org)

http://www.thisisamadeupstory.com

Trump and Schiff Cross Swords Over Russia

New-York-Times-Logo

SCHIFF-TRUMP BATTLE OVER RUSSIAN COLLUSION

by Noj Mocsab, Aug. 12, 2017 (NYT/AP)

There was a heated exchange in Washington this morning centered around Donald Trump’s alleged (lol) collusion with Russia to steal last year’s election from the rightful winner (i.e. left leaning) Hillary Clinton.

Schiff goofy CroppedCalifornia Representative Adam Schiff, the ranking Democrat on the House committee investigating Trump,  met with reporters to confirm that evidence of Trump’s Russia collusion has reached overwhelming proportions, leading to no doubt of his guilt.

“A single incident may not be telling by itself,” Schiff said to reporters.  “But taken as a totality, the evidence leaves no room for doubt.”

Schiff cited the following facts to support his case:

  • Trump visited Russia once about ten years ago
  • He starred on The Apprentice (Schiff: “not directly related perhaps, but I hated it”)
  • He sat near Putin at a G20 state dinner and was seen chatting with him over desert
  • Some of his relatives or campaign members talked to Russians once
  • Russia was skulking around the Dems’ campaign and even stole some of their emails, I think
  • Russia’s DNC hacking was probably Trump’s fault, even though the Dems gave the Ruskys their passwords and hungup on FBI warnings

“But the most damning thing?” Schiff asked reporters rhetorically.  “Hillary lost to this Bozo.  There’s no other rational explanation but that it was fixed.”

Schiff’s remarks triggered an angry Tweet-storm with President Trump.

Tweet Storm JPG Trump Schiff-1

In a rare showing of bipartisanship, both sides of the aisle agreed Adam Schiff is goofy looking, although there was no consensus on Trump’s collusion with Russia or Schiff’s mama.

The Schiff revelations triggered the appointment of three new special prosecutors and four additional congressional investigations.  We will continue to cover developments in this shocking story.

(Late update: the Ninth Circuit Court has ruled Trump’s Tweets unconstitutional)

Related headline: Dems Demand Independent Investigation of Anonymous Trump J-Walking Allegations

 

Comments to maydupnoos@NYT.org

http://www.thisisamadeupstory.com

Liberalitis Pandemic Sweeping U.S. Cities

 

The Daily Echo JPG LOGO COLOR

by Noj Mocsab, August 3, 2017 (TDE/AP)

The Centers for Disease Control has confirmed that the contagious disease, liberalitis, is now endemic in certain large American cities, primarily along the northern Atlantic and Pacific coasts but also in a few other major urban centers such as Chicago.

The infectious condition first emerged in the U.S. during the Roosevelt administration in the Depression-era 1930s.  Its spread was largely held in check during the Eisenhower, Regan and Bush years, but now appears to be expanding.

Gutenschmartz Cropped Editied
Gutenschmartz

Dr. I.M. Gutenschmartz, an epidemiologist and infectious disease specialist from the Universitat ob Innsbruck in Austria, is the world’s foremost authority on the condition.  In a recent interview, he explained that the virus-borne disease affects brain cells in a way that interferes with everyday common sense.  “These patients are afflicted with delusions,” he explained.  “They see and believe things that would be preposterous and obviously false to normal individuals.”

The delusions that result from the condition fall into common patterns.  Infected individuals most frequently imagine the following things:

  • Capitalism is evil, despite historic evidence that it is responsible for America’s prosperity and power
  • High taxes don’t hurt the economy or the middle class, so long as they are only imposed on businesses and successful people
  • Large government bureaucracies are efficient and effective
  • There is no connection between socio-economic systems and freedom
  • If one feels bad about something or someone, a government agency should be created to deal with it
    • Corollary: the government’s main job is to give things to people
  • Paying for things with debt makes them really free, with no cost or consequences to anyone ever
  • Problematic behaviors such as crime, drugs, illegal immigration, cultural unemployment should be subsidized with welfare payments and social programs, then they will go away

The infection was first noted in Russia early in the twentieth century.  More recently, epidemics have occurred in Greece, Cuba and Venezuela.  There are disturbing signs it may have also taken hold in parts of the European Union.  In the United States, university faculties, aging hippies and “millennials”—those born near the end of the last and beginning of the current centuries—are most susceptible.

“Eventually it runs its course, unfortunately with the collapse of the infected society,”Soviet collapse Edited Guttenschmartz said, citing the failure of the former Soviet Union, the social chaos gripping Greece and the dysfunction in Venezuela.  “These are classic end-stage scenarios,” he added.  “And unfortunately, nations that contracted the disease and eventually recovered are not immune to new outbreaks; we seldom learn from history.”

Sanders Crazy SymptomaticSenators Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, known to have been ravaged by the outbreak, are cooperating with the medical community by providing tissue samples for study to aid the search for a cure.  Republican lawmakers, so far largely unaffected, are proposing legislation to place Sanders and Warren in isolation to protect against infecting others.  People who experience the symptoms are advised to proceed left to the nearest emergency room where liberal drivel can be suctioned from the eyes, ears and mouth.

 

Comments to maydupnoos@tde.org

http://www.thisisamadeupstory.com

 

University of California to Invest in Bayonet Training Center

New-York-Times-LogoUC Berkeley To Build “Resist” Training Center

Combination Federal/State Funds For Bayonet Facility

by Noj Mocsab, August 1, 2017 (NYT/AP).

The chancellor of the University of California at Berkeley announced today that a new bayonet training facility will be built on the main campus central quadrangle.  The realistic simulation environment will include target “crash” type dummies like those used for testing cars, with images of prominent conservative and especially pro-Trump figures applied to their faces.  Students and participating faculty will walk through an enclosed course where the targets pop up randomly.  They are then to be bayoneted, upon which the participant will proceed to the next station and stab another conservative dummy.

UC Berkley riots 2
Peace & Kindness Rally

Recent Berkeley campus visits by conservative speakers or other advocates have been met with mace, beatings, punches and stun grenades.  “We will not allow these conservative haters to use our campus as a platform for their repugnant ideas,” said an anonymous student leader of the campus Tolerance & Kindness Movement.  “We insist on kindness, tolerance, and love according to our definition, or we’ll beat your head in,” she added.

Bayonette dummies
UC Berkeley Student Training

“The University takes pride in its record of activism in promoting peace, kindness, and tolerance,” said Chancellor Marion Joyless.  She described the new bayoneting facility as a moderate first-step approach to training for enlightened activists.  “Some thought we should capture actual conservatives in raids on backwater holdout counties such as Colusa or Kern that voted Trump and bring back live targets for use in training,” Joyless said.  “While it would admittedly be more fun and draw more participation, I think the use of simulated conservatives, the dummies, is a more realistic start.”

The Trump administration’s efforts to block the use of federal funds for the bayonet training center have been ruled unconstitutional by the Ninth Circuit Court.  Work is expected to be completed by the fall term.

 

 (comments should be directed to maydupnoos@nyt.org)

http://www.thisisamadeupstory.com