The Future According To HardWired News

HardWired News Figures Out the Future

Do you remember the future prognosticators of the past, predicting how things would be now in the 21stCentury?  We would all be going to work in hover cars, antigravity machines would be a thing, vacations in outer space, colonies on Mars, no cancer, robots to do our housework.  How about this one: the biggest climate change threat was a new ice age.  I’m sure you remember a list of your own.

Of course, none of that nonsense came true, mostly because change happens in quantum leaps, not in a linear fashion.  But now things are different.  Our team of scientists, statisticians, and sociologists here at HardWired News have harnessed the power of our global network of supercomputers to definitively determine how things will be in the next, the 22nd Century.  Here are the Top Ten Things that will happen:


10 Led by Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnel, Democrats and Republicans will begin to interbreed, but the offspring, like mules, will be unable to reproduce naturally

9 Coal and oil will no longer be used by fiat, not depletion of the resources

8 The earth will be cold, airless and dead with all sunlight and circulation absorbed by solar panels and windmills, which still will not work as planned

7 Civilization will not migrate to the moon and Mars since there is no place to rage on spring break there

 6 In Communist China all Wokesters will be sent to reeducation (e.g. torture) camps where they will be forced, for the first time, to admit they were wrong and apologize

5 The Black Lives Matter movement will actually help an actual black person for the first time

 4 Legions of highly paid elected officials will still, as their sole job, argue over whether Trump colluded with Russia

 3 People will again know what gender they are without the liberal establishment obsessing over it

2 The government will give free s**t of every kind to everyone, who, having no need to work to get it, will result in nothing being produced and everyone actually having nothing at all

And the Number One change in the 22nd Century:

1            The world population collapses as people choose to kill themselves rather than live in a liberal run world

…and since based on a 1950s prediction everyone will live to be 200, we’ll see you there!

(Next time: which stocks will go up the most by 2100)

Hunter Biden’s Postwar Afghanistan

Like any cloud, the humiliating fall of Afghanistan to the Taliban with the hair-raising if star crossed escape of America and her allies does have a silver lining of sorts.  Opportunist and entrepreneur Hunter Biden has announced the formation of a new tour company for adventurous souls wishing to visit the new, reshaped Islamic Caliphate.

“Vietnam, once the poster-child for carnage and dysfunction, is now a global tourist destination for those seeking a daring and off-the-beaten-path adventure,” the younger Biden said.  “I think I can capitalize on the mayhem and ruthlessness my father’s administration has suborned in Afghanistan, like I have in the Ukraine and Soviet Union.”

Hunter reportedly received millions of dollars from Ukraine oligarchs and the mayor of Moscow with no qualifications or apparent real services rendered other than being the son of then Vice President Joe Biden.  “I’ve made a career out of feeding off my father’s position as an elected official,” the younger Biden said in an exclusive interview with HardWired News.  “I’m taking it to a new level in Afghanistan.”

During and after the last presidential campaign, then-candidate and now president Joe Biden swore he had never participated in any way with his son in his oft-criticized foreign business dealings, even though photos and emails confirming such involvement later surfaced.  HWN asked if his father would remain arms-length this time.  Hunter responded with a chuckle and wink, “Same old-same old.”  When we asked why he was using his father’s position to profit rather than pursuing a traditional occupation such as the legal profession in which he was educated and trained, he replied, “This beats the hell out of working, and the pay is way better.”

HardWired News was able to obtain some planned promotional material for the new venture:



made possible by the policies of the Joe Biden Administration

Your Host

Exotic New Extreme-Experience Destination to a country now completely free of uppity women

Travel on the floor of an authentic C-17 Loadmaster military style aircraft

Comfortable C-17 Interior

Enjoy accompanied and fully guided excursions:

Poppy field trip

  • Make your own dope

Craft heroin bars (Naloxone overdose reversal injection available onsite)

Authentic Asian Opium Den (nod off like it’s Old Shanghai)

Traditional Tolly-Bon (spelling popularized by Joe Biden) beheading: guaranteed not yours or full refund

  • Flog your own infidel afterwards

Prostitute immersion with genuine former Hunter Biden girls (at your own risk; see Tolly-Bon Beheading)

  • Complimentary penicillin dose

Daughter and Wife whipping demonstration

Coveted crossfire seat in Isis/Taliban firefight

  • Blood transfusions available for modest extra charge

Witness a real-time suicide bombing

Purchase military memorabilia at an official Taliban U.S. Army Surplus Store

  • M1 Abrams Tanks, Blackhawk Helicopters, wide selection of artillery and ammo


AND THERE’S MORE: Gift packet: head rag, AK47 with two loaded clips, get out of jail free card

For more information or to reserve your seat, go to

Sorry: Bitcoin only for complete confidentiality and tax avoidance


In concluding the interview, Hunter said, “I’d like to thank my father and the entire Biden administration for making this opportunity possible.”


Disclaimer: this destination is not endorsed by HardWired News, its affiliates or any of its employees; travel at your own risk; operators are not responsible for any diseases contracted nor for the death, maiming or incarceration of any traveler; this is an entirely fictitious satirical piece for the purpose of political speech

The Cure for Electile Dysfunction

man shamed

Now that the election is over, are you feeling disappointed, humiliated, or electorally impotent?  Was your latest encounter with democracy a letdown for everyone?  Do the girls point and laugh at your inability to “get er’ done?”

Girl laughing

Buppie, you might just be suffering from the heartbreak of Electile Dysfunction.  It happens to millions when their candidate doesn’t drive it home because they cannot rise to the occasion.  Sufferers report feeling unmotivated, they lack their usual political mojo, and basically feel limp, exhausted, and beaten down.  Did we mention deflated?

Blue Pill

There are those who recommend the little Blue Pill for your condition, or in other words veering to the left as do those in the Blue States.  It’s argued that a walk on the wild-blue side will perk you up and change your perspective, leaving you feeling upright and politically a standup guy once again.

The work of our award-winning Research Team shows this to be an empty promise.  Any fleeting hopes of relief will prove quite temporary and unsatisfying.  Those who switch to the Blue Pill report nothing but a bad headache, no four-hour high, a face flushing from embarrassment, and more disillusionment without even a credible excuse to lean on.

With the Blue Wave, we can expect higher taxes and energy costs, with a return to dependence on foreign energy and the political subservience that involves.  Reimposed regulations and increased business income taxes will put a damper on hiring, and huge deficits to fund ineffective feel-good but accomplish-nothing legislation can only lead to the return of inflation and a bad stock market, affecting the financial wellbeing of just about all Americans.


What to do?  Well, we survived Jimmy Carter (barely).  President Elect (so he says) Biden seems poised to wrest away Carter’s title of Worst President Ever.  But we can wait out Biden and, in the wake of the national disaster that will surely be his administration, replace him in four years with a Red Energy Drink that can undo the carnage, as Regan did in the aftermath of Jimmy.

man shirtless

So, let not your soul be troubled by Electile Dysfunction, Buppie.  Hunker down, brace for the worst, and stick to the Red Side.  America is stronger than Biden and better days are coming.  Stand proud, stiffen your resolve, and show your staying power.  Then once again you will be HARDwired (News, of course).


Consult your doctor before taking the Blue Pill of the left; make sure you are healthy enough to engage in politics; if you continue to experience dysfunctional leftwing policies for more than four years, turn right to the nearest emergency room, and ALWAYS read HardWired News before engaging in political activities