CNN BREAKING NEWS: The Trump Administration has announced that while funds for the World Health Organization (W.H.O.) have been cut off, the money will go instead to the Western Health Intercouncil (W.H.I.) and Worldwide Health Alliance Team (W.H.A.T.), both of the latter organizations controlled by the U.S. and its allies. In separate news, major league baseball announced the resumption of televised play but without fans present.
HardWired News listens in while Nancy Pelosi and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez chat during a break in House proceedings:
Isn’t it great to see our best and brightest are hard at work solving our problems in Washington?
Remember the popular TV comedy series, Seinfeld, where the cast of banal, vacuous characters go about their daily dysfunctional lives to the amusement of viewers? Well, it reminds us a bit of the Trump impeachment hearings. And here’s why.
In one of the episodes, Jerry tries to explain to Elaine the comic book concept of Bizarro World, where everything is opposite what it should be. Jerry explains thus…
Jerry: Yeah, like Bizarro Superman—Superman’s exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down; down is up. He says “Hello” when he leaves, “Goodbye” when he arrives.
Elaine: Shouldn’t he say “bad bye”? Isn’t that the opposite of goodbye?
Jerry: No, it’s still goodbye.
Elaine: Does he live underwater?
Elaine: Is he black?
Jerry: Look, just forget the whole thing. Alright?
Enter Adam Schiff and his crusade to impeach Donald Trump. In Schiff’s Bizarro World, Trump is guilty until proven innocent. Official transcripts, such as the one of the phone conversation between the president and his Ukrainian counterpart, are not evidence, but speculation and conjecture are. Only the accusers can call witnesses but the defense can’t. Questions are controlled only by the prosecutor. Any claim of innocence on the part of the accused is deemed a desperate attempt to hide obvious guilt.
Consider the implications if an upstanding soul such as this writer were accused by one of my many enemies.
If I walk a confused old lady across a busy intersection, I’m guilty of attempted robbery since that’s what a rogue like me obviously had in mind upon reaching the other side.
When it’s April 14th and I haven’t mailed my tax return yet, I’m guilty of conspiracy to commit tax fraud because someone like me never intended to file one in the first place.
If I tell my side of the story, it’s a cover up and obstruction of justice
Recall that in the latest impeachment charges, Donald Trump is accused of demanding political favors from a foreign government in exchange for U.S. aid. And this, even though the actual record shows that no aid was withheld, no conditions were overtly attached to the receipt of such aid, and in fact the Trump administration had already drastically increased aid to the Ukraine. And he authorized it far in excess of that granted by any previous administration without favors of any kind in return. Then add in the facts that the president is constitutionally empowered to conduct foreign relations, and there is no law against asking for a favor. And anyway, all he actually asked for is an investigation of corruption, not dirt on an opponent. But all this is of no consequence in Bizarro World. All they have is the naked assumption by those unfriendly to the president that he probably—no DEFINITELY—intended nefarious things because, well…it’s Trump, isn’t it?
As you can see, in Schiff’s Bizarro World, the accused is presumed guilty, there is no right to confront your accuser (the “whistleblower”), there is no right to counsel, and unsubstantiated suppositions by Never-Trumpers about his intentions are conclusive evidence.
I’ll admit though that like Seinfeld, the process is amusing. Although for my money we’d be better served having Jerry, Elaine and Kramer running the inquiry rather than Goofy Adam Schiff. They’re more credible. And with the 2020 elections looming, let not the Democrats forget that Seinfeld is no longer on the air.
You remember Adam Schiff, don’t you? The goofy looking representative from an uber-liberal California district (aren’t they all?). His only claim to fame was insisting he had indisputable evidence of Trump’s collusion with the Russians to throw the 2016 election, and in turn called for his immediate impeachment. Of course, now that the Mueller (the handpicked darling of the Dems) report has exonerated the president of collusion and failed to charge him with anything, Schiff has grown strangely silent, although when pressed he continues to maintain that President Trump really did collude, criminally obstructed the investigation, and should be impeached anyway.
So HardWired News caught up with Schiff for a follow-up interview to see what he has to say now:
HWN: Now that Trump has been exonerated by the Mueller report of collusion, do you think he should still be impeached?
Schiff: Is the Pope Catholic?
HWN: You always said you personally have secret absolute proof of his collusion.
Schiff: I do.
HWN: What is it?
Schiff: I don’t feel like saying right now.
HWN: And what about obstruction of justice claims, for which he was never charged?
Schiff: He did that too.
HWN: Didn’t he simply proclaim his innocence, and talk about taking actions, which he never did, based on frustration over a false charge of which he was cleared?
Schiff: Well…maybe…I just don’t want to talk about that. He should be impeached.
HWN: Didn’t the infamous Spanish Inquisition, during which people were tortured and executed for being alleged heretics, find that people claiming their innocence and objecting to the process deserved the death penalty for simply doing that?
Schiff: But this is Trump.
HWN: What do you say to those who claim that you are the goofiest looking legislator ever?
Schiff: That’s beside the point. And what about Nancy Pelosi?
HWN: Were you bullied in high school? And do you wet the bed? Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Schiff: Trump should be impeached.
For the record, the Honorable Representative Adam Schiff is not a single-issue guy. He also maintains the End of Days is near, he has been abducted by aliens, the world is flat, and Beto O’Rourke will be elected the next president of the United States.
Are you as befuddled as we were after the most recent Democratic debates? Remember: silly proposals, wrong-headed claims, and shouting out-of-turn to vie for attention. It reminded me of a preschool teacher trying to corral a group of unruly four-year-olds. It defied explanation. But WAIT! We remembered the words of renowned physicist Albert Einstein, who taught us that understanding comes not from knowing the answers, but rather from knowing the questions to ask:
“Genius isn’t about knowing everything; it’s about knowing what questions to ask?”
So, in that we here at HardWired Newsare undisputed geniuses, we came up with a few questions to help us understand just what the hell went on:
If illegal aliens are undocumented immigrants, why aren’t bank robbers just making an undocumented withdrawal?
If giving every adult $1000 a month is a good thing, why isn’t giving them all $1 million a month a thousand time better?
If giving people benefits without raising taxes works, why wouldn’t giving poker players (who anteed $10 for ten chips) ten more chips make each player twice as well off?
If people who sneak into our country to get our benefits are victims deserving asylum, why aren’t home invaders entitled to take the stuff and be immediately set free?
If illegal aliens deserve American health care benefits, why not just provide it to them in their home countries so they don’t have to make the trip?
If shouting down your opposition is the way to get noticed and win, why doesn’t ANTIFA run everything?
When our current political hopefuls run out of whacko things to give away in return for votes, what will the next generation of politicos give away?
If Wall Street is the cause of all our problems, why not banish them all to concentration camps like Hitler did with his problem causers?
If using other people’s money to give free stuff away in exchange for votes is a good thing, why don’t candidates take each other’s money and buy the votes of their opponents’ supporters?
If the definition of insanity is using the same failed strategy and expecting different results, why aren’t proponents of socialism adjudicated insane?
We don’t have all the answers to these questions just now (actually we do), but we’re still geniuses for asking them. Right?
And you, Dear Reader? We’re pretty sure you have answers of your own (you’re free to post them here). Good luck!
Are you like us, worried about the greatest threat to American society? Maybe you think it’s the opioid epidemic. Or nuclear proliferation, perhaps AIDS or even Global Warming. If so, you’d be wrong.
No, according to the American Psychological Association (APA), Brown University, and the world’s greatest authority on what’s wrong with America, Elizabeth Warren, it’s Toxic Masculinity.
Yep. But, hey, maybe there’s a grain of truth. After all, who isn’t horrified by rape, domestic violence, drunken barroom brawls and the like? But those are a tiny fraction of all men, the criminal element populating our jails. And it’s not at all what the APA, New York Times, and a host of other progressive (insert liberal) organizations are talking about. No, the APA unashamedly calls the threat “traditional masculinity” (our emphasis) indicating the problem is that of everyday men being…well…men.
Here are a few of the APA’s indicators of toxic masculinity (a term originally attributed to uber’-liberal Elizabeth Warren):
Fails to show emotions easily
Maintains a tough exterior persona
Avoids appearance of weakness or femininity
Not a big talker
Interested in sex
If that sounds like just about most of the men you’ve ever known, you’re probably right.
Our cadre of physicians and scientists has found that the opposite of toxic masculinity, and therefore the correct way to be, is something they describe as femimasculinity or being a femimasculist. Think about it: the alternative to the above indicators is being overtly emotional, having a soft exterior persona, displaying vulnerability, readily talking about everything, and having little interest in sex (post marriage, anyway). And that describes just about all of the women we know.
Now, we’re not talking about sexual orientation here. That’s something altogether different. No, we’re talking about how ordinary men act. With a nod to Jeff Foxworthy, here are a few tests you can take:
If you like Sunday afternoon football, cold beer, or playing a competitive sport, you might just have Toxic Masculinity
or…if you live in an apartment in Boston, San Francisco or New York, have never been hunting, wear a suit to work, have a therapist, and think about how you can be more sensitive to women’s feelings, you definitely are a Femimasculist
Of course, all of us want to be part of the solution, not the problem. But overcoming toxic masculinity requires a more in depth understanding of the symptoms before we can identify those needing a cure. Here is a handy list of scenarios prepared by our Research Department that contrast nasty toximasculists with oh-so-desirable femimasculists.
Fellows, if you fall into one or more of the above Toxic Masculinity categories, not to worry. Courses and programs to fix yourselves are cropping up at progressive institutions, and just in time. Breitbart.com reports that, among others, Brown University is offering a program Unlearning Toxic Masculinity 101. Brown’s literature says
Brown’s goal is to create a “safe space” for male students to “unpack all of the things they have learned about masculinity and what it means to be a man…”
Thank God! Help is on the way.
So guys, if someone says you have toxic (e.g. traditional) masculinity and are therefore a threat to society, go ahead and enroll in a course to become a femimasculist. Or…you can just tell them to kiss your toxic (insert your own noun here).
We get it. Every “older generation” (e.g. us) is critical of young people. Remember the song from the 60s musical, Bye-bye Birdie.
What’s the matter with kids today
why can’t they be like we were
perfect in every way
oh, WHAT’S the matter with kids to – dayyyyyyy
But despite the misgivings of seniors, people pretty much turn out all right (if you forget the Hippies). At least they have in the past.
However, enter the Millennials, colloquially defined as those reaching young adulthood in this, the early twenty-first century. Inexplicably, they are a generation raised apart from the normal experience of human history, as if in some bizarre, misguided science experiment.
Remember how we signed up for after-school programs? Little league, Brownies or Cub Scouts? In contrast, the Millennials are craftily enrolled by calculating parents in carefully selected activities designed to give their children just the right experience to make them superior to all others. While we grabbed a glove and went down to the sandlot to play some ball with our buds, now, hovering soccer moms and “involved” fathers sign the kids up, drive them, participate in every aspect, argue with coaches and umpires, take everyone out for pizza afterwards, and console the losers. And everyone is told again and again, “good job!” (barf) Helicopter mothers endlessly circle over their children’s lives. No wonder these children cannot function in modern society.
“So what?” you might say. “I haven’t any skin in the game. No harm, no foul, just let them be doofuses.” If so, you’d be missing a key point.
They will be our future leaders! No way around it. The normal people are going to die (we hope this doesn’t shock you) and they will be the only folks left. If you think the generations coming up behind will be more functional, think again. The Millennials, unlike their parents, seem bent on raising their kids exactly like they were! It’s part of the disease.
Think about it. Here are some characteristics of Millennials that would define their performance as our leaders:
Can’t write or read cursive
Types with their thumbs
Writes in primitive abbreviations (e.g. you are = ur)
Corollary: Can’t spell without SpellCheck, and even then screws it up
Believes debt should be forgiven by the government if it was for a good cause or didn’t work out
Just fine interrupting a conversation to answer the phone or respond to a text
Posts every action and thought on the Internet
Corollary: posts photos of an accident rather than helping
Thinks the government has infinite money
Sees no problem with socialism, and can’t understand why all countries don’t do it
Can find no logical connection between market capitalism and our standard of living or success as a nation
Believes a job is a right that exists for their personal enjoyment
Keeps a small electronic device constantly attached to their hands and frozen in front of their face
Are convinced we are dumb
For the majority who say we should euthanize these young people and start over, we at HardWired News believe that possibly is too harsh (although we’re keeping an open mind). We should compassionately take a note from Stalin’s playbook, and send them to “reeducation” camps, where they can be straightened out, even if it takes the rest of their lives (heh-heh-heh). There they would be responsible for their own decisions. Consequences for actions and inaction would fall upon them without interference. They would be allowed to formulate their own goals, achieve them or not, and live with the results. The inmates could reach their own decisions absent liberal dogma or political correctness.
One of our occasional contributors, hapless office-boy John Bascom, has provided his list of 2019 New Year’s Resolutions. In view of our political climate and how they influenced his resolutions, we thought we’d share them with you here: