Jerry Seinfeld and the Trump Impeachment

seinfeld-watching-recommendation-videoSixteenByNineJumbo1600-v7Remember the popular TV comedy series, Seinfeld, where the cast of banal, vacuous characters go about their daily dysfunctional lives to the amusement of viewers?  Well, it reminds us a bit of the Trump impeachment hearings.  And here’s why.

In one of the episodes, Jerry tries to explain to Elaine the comic book concept of Bizarro World, where everything is opposite what it should be.  Jerry explains thus…

 

Jerry: Yeah, like Bizarro Superman—Superman’s exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down; down is up. He says “Hello” when he leaves, “Goodbye” when he arrives.

Elaine: Shouldn’t he say “bad bye”? Isn’t that the opposite of goodbye?

Jerry: No, it’s still goodbye.

Elaine: Does he live underwater?

Jerry: No.

Elaine: Is he black?

Jerry: Look, just forget the whole thing. Alright?

 

Enter Adam Schiff and his crusade to impeach Donald Trump.  In Schiff’s Bizarro World, Trump is guilty until proven innocent.  Official transcripts, such as the one of the phone conversation between the president and his Ukrainian counterpart, are not evidence, but speculation and conjecture are.  Only the accusers can call witnesses but the defense can’t.  Questions are controlled only by the prosecutor.  Any claim of innocence on the part of the accused is deemed a desperate attempt to hide obvious guilt.

Consider the implications if an upstanding soul such as this writer were accused by one of my many enemies.

  • If I walk a confused old lady across a busy intersection, I’m guilty of attempted robbery since that’s what a rogue like me obviously had in mind upon reaching the other side.
  • When it’s April 14th and I haven’t mailed my tax return yet, I’m guilty of conspiracy to commit tax fraud because someone like me never intended to file one in the first place.
  • If I tell my side of the story, it’s a cover up and obstruction of justice

Recall that in the latest impeachment charges, Donald Trump is accused of demanding political favors from a foreign government in exchange for U.S. aid.  And this, even though the actual record shows that no aid was withheld, no conditions were overtly attached to the receipt of such aid, and in fact the Trump administration had already drastically increased aid to the Ukraine.  And he authorized it far in excess of that granted by any previous administration without favors of any kind in return.  Then add in the facts that the president is constitutionally empowered to conduct foreign relations, and there is no law against asking for a favor.  And anyway, all he actually asked for is an investigation of corruption, not dirt on an opponent.  But all this is of no consequence in Bizarro World.  All they have is the naked assumption by those unfriendly to the president that he probably—no DEFINITELY—intended nefarious things because, well…it’s Trump, isn’t it?

As you can see, in Schiff’s Bizarro World, the accused is presumed guilty, there is no right to confront your accuser (the “whistleblower”), there is no right to counsel, and unsubstantiated suppositions by Never-Trumpers about his intentions are conclusive evidence.

Impeach turnabout

I’ll admit though that like Seinfeld, the process is amusing.  Although for my money we’d be better served having Jerry, Elaine and Kramer running the inquiry rather than Goofy Adam Schiff.  They’re more credible.  And with the 2020 elections looming, let not the Democrats forget that Seinfeld is no longer on the air.

Exclusive Interview: Goofy Adam Schiff

 

Schiff goofy CroppedYou remember Adam Schiff, don’t you?  The goofy looking representative from an uber-liberal California district (aren’t they all?).  His only claim to fame was insisting he had indisputable evidence of Trump’s collusion with the Russians to throw the 2016 election, and in turn called for his immediate impeachment.  Of course, now that the Mueller (the handpicked darling of the Dems) report has exonerated the president of collusion and failed to charge him with anything, Schiff has grown strangely silent, although when pressed he continues to maintain that President Trump really did collude, criminally obstructed the investigation, and should be impeached anyway.

So HardWired News caught up with Schiff for a follow-up interview to see what he has to say now:

HWN:    Now that Trump has been exonerated by the Mueller report of collusion, do you think he should still be impeached?

Schiff:    Is the Pope Catholic?

HWN:    You always said you personally have secret absolute proof of his collusion.

Schiff:    I do.

HWN:    What is it?

Schiff:    I don’t feel like saying right now.

HWN:    And what about obstruction of justice claims, for which he was never charged?

Schiff:    He did that too.

HWN:    Didn’t he simply proclaim his innocence, and talk about taking actions, which he never did, based on frustration over a false charge of which he was cleared?

Schiff:    Well…maybe…I just don’t want to talk about that.  He should be impeached.

HWN:    Didn’t the infamous Spanish Inquisition, during which people were tortured and executed for being alleged heretics, find that people claiming their innocence and objecting to the process deserved the death penalty for simply doing that? 

Schiff:    But this is Trump.

HWN:    What do you say to those who claim that you are the goofiest looking legislator ever?

Schiff:    That’s beside the point.  And what about Nancy Pelosi?

HWN:    Were you bullied in high school?  And do you wet the bed?  Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Schiff:    Trump should be impeached.

Schiff Cartoon 7-10-19

For the record, the Honorable Representative Adam Schiff is not a single-issue guy.  He also maintains the End of Days is near, he has been abducted by aliens, the world is flat, and Beto O’Rourke will be elected the next president of the United States.

For more information, go to:

www.thisisamadeupstory.com

A Questioning Look at the Democratic Debates

DebateAre you as befuddled as we were after the most recent Democratic debates?  Remember: silly proposals, wrong-headed claims, and shouting out-of-turn to vie for attention.  It reminded me of a preschool teacher trying to corral a group of unruly four-year-olds.  It defied explanation.  But WAIT!  We remembered the words of renowned physicist Albert Einstein, who taught us that understanding comes not from knowing the answers, but rather from knowing the questions to ask:

Einstein

“Genius isn’t about knowing everything; it’s about knowing what questions to ask?”

So, in that we here at HardWired News are undisputed geniuses, we came up with a few questions to help us understand just what the hell went on:

If illegal aliens are undocumented immigrants, why aren’t bank robbers just making an undocumented withdrawal?

If giving every adult $1000 a month is a good thing, why isn’t giving them all $1 million a month a thousand time better?

If giving people benefits without raising taxes works, why wouldn’t giving poker players (who anteed $10 for ten chips) ten more chips make each player twice as well off?

If people who sneak into our country to get our benefits are victims deserving asylum, why aren’t home invaders entitled to take the stuff and be immediately set free?

If illegal aliens deserve American health care benefits, why not just provide it to them in their home countries so they don’t have to make the trip?

If shouting down your opposition is the way to get noticed and win, why doesn’t ANTIFA run everything?

When our current political hopefuls run out of whacko things to give away in return for votes, what will the next generation of politicos give away?

If Wall Street is the cause of all our problems, why not banish them all to concentration camps like Hitler did with his problem causers?

If using other people’s money to give free stuff away in exchange for votes is a good thing, why don’t candidates take each other’s money and buy the votes of their opponents’ supporters?

If the definition of insanity is using the same failed strategy and expecting different results, why aren’t proponents of socialism adjudicated insane?

We don’t have all the answers to these questions just now (actually we do), but we’re still geniuses for asking them.  Right?

And you, Dear Reader?  We’re pretty sure you have answers of your own (you’re free to post them here).  Good luck!

________________________________________________________

Disclaimer: Einstein never really said that—we made it up (they’re still damn good questions)

What You Always Wanted to Know About the Plague of TOXIC MASCULINITY

Are you like us, worried about the greatest threat to American society?  Maybe you think it’s the opioid epidemic.  Or nuclear proliferation, perhaps AIDS or even Global Warming.  If so, you’d be wrong.

No, according to the American Psychological Association (APA), Brown University, and the world’s greatest authority on what’s wrong with America, Elizabeth Warren, it’s Toxic Masculinity.

Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson – Stereotypical Toximasculist

Yep.  But, hey, maybe there’s a grain of truth.  After all, who isn’t horrified by rape, domestic violence, drunken barroom brawls and the like?  But those are a tiny fraction of all men, the criminal element populating our jails.  And it’s not at all what the APA, New York Times, and a host of other progressive (insert liberal) organizations are talking about.  No, the APA unashamedly calls the threat “traditional masculinity” (our emphasis) indicating the problem is that of everyday men being…well…men.

 

Here are a few of the APA’s indicators of toxic masculinity (a term originally attributed to uber’-liberal Elizabeth Warren):

  • Fails to show emotions easily
  • Maintains a tough exterior persona
  • Avoids appearance of weakness or femininity
  • Not a big talker
  • Interested in sex

If that sounds like just about most of the men you’ve ever known, you’re probably right.

Our cadre of physicians and scientists has found that the opposite of toxic masculinity, and therefore the correct way to be, is something they describe as femimasculinity or being a femimasculist.  Think about it: the alternative to the above indicators is being overtly emotional, having a soft exterior persona, displaying vulnerability, readily talking about everything, and having little interest in sex (post marriage, anyway).  And that describes just about all of the women we know.

Now, we’re not talking about sexual orientation here.  That’s something altogether different.  No, we’re talking about how ordinary men act.  With a nod to Jeff Foxworthy, here are a few tests you can take:

  • If you like Sunday afternoon football, cold beer, or playing a competitive sport, you might just have Toxic Masculinity
  • or…if you live in an apartment in Boston, San Francisco or New York, have never been hunting, wear a suit to work, have a therapist, and think about how you can be more sensitive to women’s feelings, you definitely are a Femimasculist
Mr Rogers
Mr. Rogers – Beatified Femimasculist

Of course, all of us want to be part of the solution, not the problem.  But overcoming toxic masculinity requires a more in depth understanding of the symptoms before we can identify those needing a cure.  Here is a handy list of scenarios prepared by our Research Department that contrast nasty toximasculists with oh-so-desirable femimasculists.

Toxi vs Femi JPEG

Fellows, if you fall into one or more of the above Toxic Masculinity categories, not to worry.  Courses and programs to fix yourselves are cropping up at progressive institutions, and just in time.  Breitbart.com reports that, among others, Brown University is offering a program Unlearning Toxic Masculinity 101.  Brown’s literature says

Brown’s goal is to create a “safe space” for male students to “unpack all of the things they have learned about masculinity and what it means to be a man…”

Thank God!  Help is on the way.

So guys, if someone says you have toxic (e.g. traditional) masculinity and are therefore a threat to society, go ahead and enroll in a course to become a femimasculist.  Or…you can just tell them to kiss your toxic (insert your own noun here).

A Modest Proposal: Millennials, Snowflakes and the Future of America

scold.jpg

We get it.  Every “older generation” (e.g. us) is critical of young people.  Remember the song from the 60s musical, Bye-bye Birdie.

 

What’s the matter with kids today

why can’t they be like we were

perfect in every way

oh, WHAT’S the matter with kids to – dayyyyyyy

But despite the misgivings of seniors, people pretty much turn out all right (if you forget the Hippies).  At least they have in the past.

However, enter the Millennials, colloquially defined as those reaching young adulthood in this, the early twenty-first century.  Inexplicably, they are a generation raised apart from the normal experience of human history, as if in some bizarre, misguided science experiment.

Remember how we signed up for after-school programs?  Little league, Brownies or Cub Scouts?  In contrast, the Millennials are craftily enrolled by calculating parents in carefully selected activities designed to give their children just the right experience to make them superior to all others.  While we grabbed a glove and went down to the sandlot to play some ball with our buds, now, hovering soccer moms and “involved” soccer momfathers sign the kids up, drive them, participate in every aspect, argue with coaches and umpires, take everyone out for pizza afterwards, and console the losers.  And everyone is told again and again, “good job!” (barf)  Helicopter mothers endlessly circle over their children’s lives.  No wonder these children cannot function in modern society.

“So what?” you might say.  “I haven’t any skin in the game.  No harm, no foul, just let them be doofuses.”  If so, you’d be missing a key point.

They will be our future leaders!  No way around it.  The normal people are going to die (we hope this doesn’t shock you) and they will be the only folks left.  If you think the generations coming up behind will be more functional, think again.  The Millennials, unlike their parents, seem bent on raising their kids exactly like they were!  It’s part of the disease.

Think about it.  Here are some characteristics of Millennials that would define their performance as our leaders:

texting
Millennials Preparing for Leadership
  • Can’t write or read cursive
  • Types with their thumbs
  • Writes in primitive abbreviations (e.g. you are = ur)
  • Corollary: Can’t spell without SpellCheck, and even then screws it up
  • Believes debt should be forgiven by the government if it was for a good cause or didn’t work out
  • Just fine interrupting a conversation to answer the phone or respond to a text
  • Posts every action and thought on the Internet
  • Corollary: posts photos of an accident rather than helping
  • Thinks the government has infinite money
  • Sees no problem with socialism, and can’t understand why all countries don’t do it
  • Can find no logical connection between market capitalism and our standard of living or success as a nation
  • Believes a job is a right that exists for their personal enjoyment
  • Keeps a small electronic device constantly attached to their hands and frozen in front of their face
  • Are convinced we are dumb
millennials-reschooled.jpg
Reeducation Camp

For the majority who say we should euthanize these young people and start over, we at HardWired News believe that possibly is too harsh (although we’re keeping an open mind).  We should compassionately take a note from Stalin’s playbook, and send them to “reeducation” camps, where they can be straightened out, even if it takes the rest of their lives (heh-heh-heh).  There they would be responsible for their own decisions.  Consequences for actions and inaction would fall upon them without interference.  They would be allowed to formulate their own goals, achieve them or not, and live with the results.  The inmates could reach their own decisions absent liberal dogma or political correctness.

Or are we just dreaming?

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You do realize we’re kidding, right?  Sort of…

To-Do for 2019!

One of our occasional contributors, hapless office-boy John Bascom, has provided his list of 2019 New Year’s Resolutions.  In view of our political climate and how they influenced his resolutions, we thought we’d share them with you here:

2019 New Year’s Resolutions of John Bascom

Resolutions 2019 FINAL REVE 12-20

Happy New Year folks!

New Technology Leads to Identification of THE DEVIL

Flip Wilson 2
“The Devil Made Me Do It”

The Devil is well documented in human history.  He (some believe SHE) is mentioned numerous times in The Bible.  The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines him (or is it her?) as “the personal supreme spirit of evil”.  And you remember the television icon of the 60s and 70s, Flip Wilson, who personally testified to The Devil’s interference in his life.  He, of course, would never lie.  There is other irrefutable evidence as well.  Yes, the Devil is REAL and we know who he is.

 

HardWired News has now accessed amazing new technology that allows us to physically identify the actual Devil.  Our scientists have recently perfected a Spiritually Induced Quantum Field Fluctuation Detector (SIQFFD or “sig-fuh-fid” for short).  This innovation scans quantum field disturbances around a person caused by their spiritual self, otherwise invisible to the eye.  Our researches have scanned millions of conventional images with the new technology, and have positively identified the individual who, despite all appearances to the contrary, is actually the Devil.

Kavanaugh - Devil

 

As any observer can see, the Devil is actually Judge Brett Kavanaugh!  If the actual sig-fuh-fid scan is not enough, consider the following shocking facts about dirty-rotten Kavanaugh:

  • Drank beer in high school and college
  • Threw ice at a guy in a bar once
  • Took sides in a quarrel between roommates.
  • Can’t prove he didn’t assault someone at a teen beer party

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, the last one was denied by the Devil, can’t be corroborated by anyone including the people the complaining woman said were there; was flat-out denied under oath by a third party that the complaining woman said was a witness; was made by a democrat ideologue at the very end of a nomination process where Kavanaugh (did we mention he’s Republican?) was about to be recommended for the Supreme Court; wasn’t discovered in seven FBI background checks; and wasn’t brought up years before when he was overwhelmingly confirmed to the most important Federal appellate court in the country.  But, hey, if any one of those charges is true (especially drinking beer – who does that?!), it should be enough to disqualify him from public office and prove he is the Devil.  And we have plenty of other evidence of his evil: we just don’t want to talk about it right now.

Yes, the evidence is clear; Brett Kavanaugh is the Devil.  Now go out and protest or something.

What You Always Wanted to Know About Liberal Headlines – but were afraid to ask

ConfusedAre you like me, confused when national news events become convoluted headlines in the liberal press that bear little relationship to what actually happened?  Well, help is on the way.  HardWired News has performed an exhaustive scientific study of normal and liberal headlines, especially when they involve President Trump.  We’ve constructed this handy translator to help ordinary people navigate from one to the other (thanks to confidant CW for the idea):

Headlines JPG

Well, we think you get the picture.  Hopefully liberal headlines will now be more understandable to normal people with this handy translator.  In the meantime, poo on fake news and Keep America Great

Fake News CNN 4

We’re BAAAaaack with a Revengence

HardWired News Takes a Look at the Future

You remember we took a hiatus last October to come up for air.  The lunacy of the liberal left made us more than a little apoplectic, so like a whipped puppy we retreated under the bed for a while.  And while we won’t resume regular weekly articles, look for the occasional piece that strikes our fancy now and again.

Crystal Ball HWNThe reason for our return now was an amazing advance in technology that could not be ignored.  Through the efforts of renowned scientists laboring as an interactive team around the globe and using the latest advances in quantum computing, artificial intelligence, and nano-engineering, it is now possible to divine how things will be in the future.  Fortunately, HardWired News has gained exclusive rights to the technology and has been able to access the front page of The New York Times, the September 17, 2518 edition.  Here are a few headlines 500 years from now:

 

New-York-Times-Logo US Govt
Motto: “the only news allowed to be printed”

HEADLINES

September 17, 2518

HISTORIC POLITICAL ACCORD REACHED

Republican Party Officially Banned

Imprisoned Repubs to be Paroled – Agreement to Cease Further Executions

LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES CONSOLIDATE UNDER ANTIFA

Peace, Love, Kindness & Harmony to Prevail Under Penalty of Death

NEW LEVELS OF NATIONAL PROSPERITY REACHED

Food Stamps, Welfare, Unemployment, Disability Payments Extend to 97% of Population

NATIONAL DEBT TO BE ERASED IN 27th U.S. BANKRUPTCY

“I can’t believe these suckers keep buying our bonds” – President

WEALTHY COUNTRIES PROMISE AID TO U.S.

Puerto Rico, Mexico, Bangladesh Pledge Food, Medicine

COURT RULES COLLEGES DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE STUPID

Universities Required to Remove Confusing Calculations from Science Courses

Dems Pledge Fair Education for All

NEW BRIDGES, DAMS COLLAPSING AT RECORD RATE

Designed by Latest Crop of Engineers – Reason a Mystery

CONVICTIONS FOR STEALING WIND SOAR

Worse Since All Fossil Fuels Were Banned

Bootleg Windmill Surge Stumps Officials at Department of Wishful Thinking & Energy Rationing

BUREAU OF SCARY PREDICTIONS SAYS WARMING TO WIPE OUT CIVILIZATION IN 10 YEARS

Fiftieth Consecutive Prediction

Officials Unable to Explain Deniers

SUPREME COURT SAYS ALL LOTTERY TICKET BUYERS TO RECEIVE SAME PAYOUT

Unfair Enrichment of Privileged Few Deemed Unconstitutional

“Drop in Lottery Ticket Sales a Mystery”: Secretary of Fair Economics

NATIONAL NETWORK OF MILLION COMFORT SHELTERS TO BE EXPANDED

Safe Havens for Liberals Traumatized by Opinions Different from Mainstream

School Comfort Counselor Per Student Ratio Reaches 1 for 1

©New York Times, all rights reserved

Visit us on Facebook, a branch of the U.S. Department of Acceptable Communications

 

Front Cover JPEG - Pestilence_edited-1

And as a bonus, if you’d like to read more satire about a dystopian future under a liberal regime, check out the novel Caine’s Pestilence at Amazon.com.  You won’t be disappointed.