One of our occasional contributors, hapless office-boy John Bascom, has provided his list of 2019 New Year’s Resolutions. In view of our political climate and how they influenced his resolutions, we thought we’d share them with you here:
The Devil is well documented in human history. He (some believe SHE) is mentioned numerous times in The Bible. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines him (or is it her?) as “the personal supreme spirit of evil”. And you remember the television icon of the 60s and 70s, Flip Wilson, who personally testified to The Devil’s interference in his life. He, of course, would never lie. There is other irrefutable evidence as well. Yes, the Devil is REAL and we know who he is.
HardWired News has now accessed amazing new technology that allows us to physically identify the actual Devil. Our scientists have recently perfected a Spiritually Induced Quantum Field Fluctuation Detector (SIQFFD or “sig-fuh-fid” for short). This innovation scans quantum field disturbances around a person caused by their spiritual self, otherwise invisible to the eye. Our researches have scanned millions of conventional images with the new technology, and have positively identified the individual who, despite all appearances to the contrary, is actually the Devil.
As any observer can see, the Devil is actually Judge Brett Kavanaugh! If the actual sig-fuh-fid scan is not enough, consider the following shocking facts about dirty-rotten Kavanaugh:
Drank beer in high school and college
Threw ice at a guy in a bar once
Took sides in a quarrel between roommates.
Can’t prove he didn’t assault someone at a teen beer party
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, the last one was denied by the Devil, can’t be corroborated by anyone including the people the complaining woman said were there; was flat-out denied under oath by a third party that the complaining woman said was a witness; was made by a democrat ideologue at the very end of a nomination process where Kavanaugh (did we mention he’s Republican?) was about to be recommended for the Supreme Court; wasn’t discovered in seven FBI background checks; and wasn’t brought up years before when he was overwhelmingly confirmed to the most important Federal appellate court in the country. But, hey, if any one of those charges is true (especially drinking beer – who does that?!), it should be enough to disqualify him from public office and prove he is the Devil. And we have plenty of other evidence of his evil: we just don’t want to talk about it right now.
Yes, the evidence is clear; Brett Kavanaugh is the Devil. Now go out and protest or something.
Are you like me, confused when national news events become convoluted headlines in the liberal press that bear little relationship to what actually happened? Well, help is on the way. HardWired News has performed an exhaustive scientific study of normal and liberal headlines, especially when they involve President Trump. We’ve constructed this handy translator to help ordinary people navigate from one to the other (thanks to confidant CW for the idea):
Well, we think you get the picture. Hopefully liberal headlines will now be more understandable to normal people with this handy translator. In the meantime, poo on fake news and Keep America Great
You remember we took a hiatus last October to come up for air. The lunacy of the liberal left made us more than a little apoplectic, so like a whipped puppy we retreated under the bed for a while. And while we won’t resume regular weekly articles, look for the occasional piece that strikes our fancy now and again.
The reason for our return now was an amazing advance in technology that could not be ignored. Through the efforts of renowned scientists laboring as an interactive team around the globe and using the latest advances in quantum computing, artificial intelligence, and nano-engineering, it is now possible to divine how things will be in the future. Fortunately, HardWired News has gained exclusive rights to the technology and has been able to access the front page of The New York Times, the September 17, 2518 edition. Here are a few headlines 500 years from now:
September 17, 2518
HISTORIC POLITICAL ACCORD REACHED
Republican Party Officially Banned
Imprisoned Repubs to be Paroled – Agreement to Cease Further Executions
LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES CONSOLIDATE UNDER ANTIFA
Peace, Love, Kindness & Harmony to Prevail Under Penalty of Death
NEW LEVELS OF NATIONAL PROSPERITY REACHED
Food Stamps, Welfare, Unemployment, Disability Payments Extend to 97% of Population
NATIONAL DEBT TO BE ERASED IN 27th U.S. BANKRUPTCY
“I can’t believe these suckers keep buying our bonds” – President
WEALTHY COUNTRIES PROMISE AID TO U.S.
Puerto Rico, Mexico, Bangladesh Pledge Food, Medicine
COURT RULES COLLEGES DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE STUPID
Universities Required to Remove Confusing Calculations from Science Courses
Dems Pledge Fair Education for All
NEW BRIDGES, DAMS COLLAPSING AT RECORD RATE
Designed by Latest Crop of Engineers – Reason a Mystery
CONVICTIONS FOR STEALING WIND SOAR
Worse Since All Fossil Fuels Were Banned
Bootleg Windmill Surge Stumps Officials at Department of Wishful Thinking & Energy Rationing
BUREAU OF SCARY PREDICTIONS SAYS WARMING TO WIPE OUT CIVILIZATION IN 10 YEARS
Fiftieth Consecutive Prediction
Officials Unable to Explain Deniers
SUPREME COURT SAYS ALL LOTTERY TICKET BUYERS TO RECEIVE SAME PAYOUT
Unfair Enrichment of Privileged Few Deemed Unconstitutional
“Drop in Lottery Ticket Sales a Mystery”: Secretary of Fair Economics
NATIONAL NETWORK OF MILLION COMFORT SHELTERS TO BE EXPANDED
Safe Havens for Liberals Traumatized by Opinions Different from Mainstream
School Comfort Counselor Per Student Ratio Reaches 1 for 1
You may have heard Catalonia, a region in northeast Spain where the tony resort city of Barcelona is located, wants to secede and become independent. The French-speaking province of Quebec tried the same thing with Canada a few years earlier. And the quirky Scots narrowly failed to vote independence from England and the British Empire. The separatist sentiments continue to smolder in all those regions.
Experts say the quest for separation is due to differences from the rest of the country in a region’s culture, language, religion, ancestral origins, or relative prosperity. Quebec, for instance, speaks French and has a more robust industrial base than other areas—all English speaking—of Canada. The Catalonians also have a unique local language and are by and large wealthier than elsewhere in Spain. And the Scots? Well, they’re just Scots; there’s really no one else like them.
So how is California so different that it wants to be separate from the rest of America? HardWired News has done an exhaustive scientific study and learned exactly why.
So there really are fundamental differences between California and authentic America. To be clear, we are talking about the uber-left western regions such as LA, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Berkeley (of course), San Jose (school’s still out on San Diego). The northern-and-easternmost areas are quite normal and would likely remain American.
So should we let the over-the-moon, whacko liberal areas secede and become their own country? It’s an interesting proposition. Eventually, America could establish diplomatic relations and allow well-regulated tourism and trade between the countries. Although we could never, ever—under any circumstances—allow them to acquire nuclear weapons! It would be the same as giving your toddler scissors to run around with.
Hillary Clinton has been busy making public appearances ostensibly promoting her new book, What Happened, a list of pathetic excuses for her 2016 election loss to Donald Trump. HardWired News opined that it was simply a money-play (How to Tell Hillary Clinton Loves Money…). But some pundits claim her appearances sound more like political positioning for another run at the White House.
Recall that first she tested the waters unsuccessfully against the ultimate Democrat nominee Al “I invented the Internet” Gore in 2000, and again struck out as her party’s nominee in 2004 when John “Mr. Excitement” Kerry ran against Bush II. Then in 2008 the self-proclaimed heir-apparent-to-greatness lost in a trouncing to unaccomplished newcomer Barack Obama. Most famously, she took a woodshed beating from our current Commander-in-Chief, quirky Donald Trump in her 2016 failed attempt.
But now she is sounding candidate-like again, with posturing on national policy questions and assuming the role of denouncer of our sitting president. So how can we really know if she is preparing for yet another run?
HardWired News has discovered the Top Ten Ways to know if Hilarity is planning another presidential run in 2020. They are…
10Publicly came out in support of “taking a knee” by NFL players during our National Anthem, another doofus move unpopular with mainstream voters just like her previous campaign positions
9Wrote a humiliating book, What Happened, trying to convince herself that she now knows how to fix what went wrong
8Sees that the ineffective Republicans, in control of Congress and the White House, are so hapless in trying to get anything done they couldn’t elect a dogcatcher in 2020
7Taking “Tweeting” lessons to out-Tweet the Tweeter-in-Chief
6Recently added twenty new pantsuits to her wardrobe
5Signed up for charm school
4Bought a fifty-five gallon drum of industrial strength No-Doze pills so she can stay awake long enough to campaign in the swing states she ignored and lost the last time
3Mastering social media technology by commissioning Anthony Weiner, former husband of her closest advisor Huma Abedin, to teach her the fine art of Snap Chatting photos
2Had longtime pal Harvey Weinstein recruit ten thousand Hollywood extras to pack her events and make it look like she is popular in return for undisclosed favors
And the Number One Way to Know Hillary Clinton is Running Again…
1Had husband Bill Clinton’s mouth and one other undisclosed aperture surgically sewn up so they can’t humiliate her again
Can’t wait to see Hillary where she rightfully belongs (insert your preferred destination here…)
HardWired News bends over backward (not like you think) to avoid prurient themes. But we couldn’t resist this one.
Fox News reported that our scientists—backed by generous government grants, no doubt—are working double-time to perfect sex robots. You heard me: droids (as in “androids,” not the phone) are being developed to look and act like fully functioning sex partners for the truly lonely. Apparently, they will not only have comely appearances and operational “parts,” but will possess artificial intelligence, computer generated speech and the right actions to mimic passionate moves and emotions of real lovers. No sense wasting those research dollars on things like vaccines for infectious diseases or cancer cures. Is this a great country, or what?
Actually, there was an eerily similar theme in the recent AMC cable sci-fi series, HUM∀NS. In it, synthetic people fulfilled the every wish (including sexual) of their owners. As you might expect, it didn’t end well if you don’t like murderous, rebelling robots unleashed on humanity. But the latest effort reported by Fox is anything but fiction. Apparently, it is quite real.
Now if you’re like me, you might think no one in their right mind would go for this. But then you think of the liberals, with their plastic programs that really achieve nothing but make them feel good with artificially induced satisfaction. Things like passing gun laws that don’t really reduce crime (Chicago), outlawing “hate” crimes (like crimes aren’t really bad unless we label them hateful), banning “offensive” words or phrases (such as “freshman”, “American dream”, “illegal alien”, “radical Islamic terrorist” in California schools), or of course destroying statues of historic characters who had a nasty point of view. One wonders if they lean back and smoke a cigarette after implementing these things.
Once we understand the sex robots are a metaphor for the liberals, well…it’s all good I guess. At least it might keep the libs harmlessly occupied and thereby reduce the damage they do to our country. Maybe they’ll be included as a mandatory benefit under a new ObamaCare on steroids, or should I say Viagra.
Fox News reported on a protest at Berkeley, home of the University of California, that went a little…shall we say…awry.
Of course, you remember Berkeley. HardWired News has covered their hypocrisy and bigotry in our article The Ascent of Bigotry. You know, where uber-liberal faculty and their student minions physically beat, Mace and burn speakers who have a different political view than theirs, all in the name of peace, love, tolerance, and diversity. If people weren’t getting hurt it would be just plain funny.
Anyway, Berkeley has taken things to a new high (or low, depending on your perspective). During recent left-right dueling protests, an “Empathy Tent” was set up to allow protesters to come in and unwind, bond with the other side, and meditate on the more important things in life. Peace and love, bro.
But—you couldn’t make this stuff up—violence broke out IN the Empathy Tent. Chilling protesters with opposite views resorted to violence, almost collapsing the tent and resulting in four arrests. One man was arrested for carrying a deadly weapon. An extreme-left activist woman, dedicated according to her to peace, acceptance and love, beat the crap out of a right-leaning man. Unlike the peace-children of an earlier era, these hippies-born-too-late have developed a pretty good left hook. And looking at these photos of arrested combatants, we think we smell a romance blooming. Ah….love!
In this day of new thousand-dollar iPhones coming out every few months, apps to hook up adulterers, artificial intelligence and the like, it’s good to see some old standbys that never change. And that would be the conceited hypocrisy at the venerable University of California at Berkeley. Go Golden Bears! Or should it be “Golden Neanderthals”?
In a recent HardWired News article (Hillary’s Blame Game – September 8) we opined she was writing her latest and most personally embarrassing book, What Happened, not to exonerate herself, but simply to make money. But how can we really know if she cares more about money than her reputation?
Well, HardWired News has figured it out. Here are the…
Top Ten Ways to Know That Hillary Clinton Cares More About Money Than Her Reputation, Public Service, or Just About Anything Else
10 Worked for a law firm that solicited huge legal fees (in which she shared) representing people with lucrative business before the state of Arkansas while her husband is governor
9 Accepted EXACTLY $100,000 in options trading (something she never did before or since) profits from a broker who kept “poor” records and was an operative of a large company lobbying for a lucrative bill in the Arkansas legislature, which her husband, the governor, then promptly signed into law
8 Accused of secretly investing in and soliciting loans for the speculative White Water real estate development scheme in Arkansas that contributed to the defrauding of investors and a failure of a financial institution while she was First Lady and her husband Governor of Arkansas
7 Entered the White House as First Lady in 1992 reportedly “dead broke”, then announced a net worth of over one hundred million dollars following years of service as a senator and secretary of state
6 Created a massive charity that funds much of her travel, salaries for her minions, and expands her personal influence, then granted official government access and favors selectively to those who made large (megamillions) donations
5 Leveraged her public service experiences by writing two memoirs (before this recent one) involving huge advances, book tours and millions in royalties, then used the resulting publicity to launch a presidential campaign
4 While Secretary of State, had her husband’s speaking fees from those with business pending before her office doubled
3 Charged her own massive speaking fees for secret addresses to Wall Street bankers outlining her political promises to them, then ran for president with their full financial and political support on a (wink-wink) anti-business platform
2 In contravention of a legal order, deleted 30,000 “personal” emails that could shed light on her questionable financial dealings from the server used for her official government business
And the number one way we can tell if Hillary Clinton cares most about money…
1 Wrote a humiliating book portraying herself for all of posterity as a delusional, classless crybaby-loser, but makes a load of dough in the process