Fake Newsrooms Stand Ready for Any Developments

CNN Anchor
Missing

Did you notice that over this past holiday weekend, all our favorite news reporters were nowhere to be found?  They were enjoying the long weekend, and putting in the third-string wannabees to take their places.  And on these holiday forays where reporters are AWOL, no news seems to occur except the occasional thing that simply can’t be ignored, like North Korea’s nuclear blast.  Then when the regulars have returned to their desks, the stories flood the airwaves and news pages.  How do they get them ready so quickly?

HardWired News has learned how.  The reporters write various stories for every contingency before they leave Fake News CNN.  Then when they return, they simply air the one that most fits the bill.  Here is a sampling we have uncovered.

CNN:  If we respond militarily to NOKO

TRUMP ATTACKS NORTH KOREA WITHOUT PROVOCATION

Unhinged President Plunges U.S. Needlessly Into War

           If we don’t respond militarily

TRUMPS RUNS FROM NORTH KOREA

Cowardly President Emboldens Enemy, Puts America at Risk

 

VOGUE:  If Melania Trump wears high heels again to visit flood victims

FIRST LADY INSENSITIVE TO SUFFERING FLOOD VICTIMS

High Fashion Visit Is All About HER

                If she wears tennis shoes

MELANIA TRUMP INSULTS HURRICANE SUFFERERS

“Slumming” Attire a Slap in the Face to Victims

 

NY Times:  If Trump halts DACA safe-haven program for juvenile illegal aliens

TRUMP SAVAGES LATINO CHILDREN FOR POLITICAL GAIN

Sacrifices Kids, Families to Appeal to His Racist Base

                    If he continues the DACA program

TRUMP RETREATS FROM KEY CAMPAIGN PLEDGE

Shows His Dishonesty – Will Say Anything to Get Elected

MSNBCAnd on and on and on for every potential eventually.  It’s good to see our hard working, dispassionate, fair, unbiased press (oh, hell…we all know they aren’t) are always ready to bring us the news.  Unfair and unbalanced.

Trump Tweets Go PC

That Donald Trump!  Always putting his foot in his mouth, especially with his Tweets.  Just about everyone including his closest advisors wants him to clean up his act.

Trump wi Tweet Birds CROPPEDSo now El Presidente has hired a former Obama administration PR type to make sure everything he says is politically correct or “PC”, particularly on Twitter.  Below are some of the Tweets the president wrote and the sanitized version of his new correct-speak advisor.

Trum Tweets JPG

Now Donald Trump is sure to improve his presidential image and popularity, and win re-election in 2020.  We can all look forward to Making America Great (er…pretty good) Again!

 

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Top Ten Ways of Knowing Trump is a Racist

CNN Anchor
CNN Trump Basher

President Donald Trump was wildly criticized following recent violence in Charlottesville for saying both sides of clashing demonstrators shared blame, and both contained some “good people.”  And after his media-bashing rally in Phoenix Tuesday night, CNN doubled down on the claims.  We followed him closely during the campaign and in the White House.  He never said anything racist and has made public statements, recently and going back many years, condemning racism, white supremacist groups and the like.  He speaks regularly about uniting America and viewing all of its people as equals, while his platform includes rebuilding inner cities and the like.

Yet the left, and particularly the national media, assume as a given that he is racist and courts white supremacists, despite all the contrary evidence.  In the face of this chorus, how can we really know if he is a racist?

Here are the Top Ten Ways to know that Trump is racist based on recent statements from public figures on the left:

10 For the love of God, he’s a WHITE man (Maxine Waters)

Sanders Crazy

9   All billionaire businessmen exploit minorities (Bernie Sanders)

8   He ran on law & order, and we all know who that targets (Al Sharpton)

7   The president wants to stop people from illegally sneaking across the southern border; c’mon (Nancy Pelosi)

6   He colluded with Russia to defeat Clinton; if he’s that unfair, he’s got to be racially unfair (Adam Schiff)

5   Why else would I want him assassinated? (Missouri Sen. Maria Chapelle-Nadal)Schumer talking

4   He’s a Republican president, so I’ve got to say anything to take him down (Chuck Schumer)

3   No person of color has hair like Trump’s, so it must be a fashion statement against minorities (Stephen Colbert)

2   95% of black people voted against him – do they know something? (Rachel Maddow)

Fake News CNN 4

And the Number One Reason we know Trump is a racist…

1   OK, he probably really isn’t, but we hate him so much for calling out our fake news (Jake Tapper)

 

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Trump Slams Fat People

The Daily Echo JPG LOGO COLOR

TRUMP ATTACKS FAT PEOPLE

Calls for Their “Final Elimination”

by Noj Mocsab, Aug. 14, 2017 (NYT/AP)

Speaking to an assembly of supporters in West Virginia over the weekend, Donald Trump disparaged “fat” people, calling them worthless and announcing efforts to identify and eliminate them.

Trump Angry
Fat Hater

“Fat in government will no longer be tolerated,” he told the gathering of cheering supporters who are self-described “Deplorables.”  “It must be identified, weeded out and permanently eliminated.  It has been tolerated too long.”

Democrat Senator and Minority Leader Chuck Schumer noted that there have long been civil servants with all body types, including those with a BMI (body mass index) above the medically recommended ideal.  “We all know what Trump meant,” commented Schumer.  “The persecution and liquidation of heavy-set people in America has long been Donald Trump’s goal.  He is starting with federal employees, but the roundups and executions will not stop there.”

Multiple anonymous officials confirm that Trump is a racist, misogynist, and mean to puppies.  These sources confirm he is planning to call up the National Guard to ferret out fat people.

White House operatives immediately tried to walk the comments back, insisting he was referring to “fat” in the sense of excess government spending, and not in regards to actual people.  “No one’s buying that garbage,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said during a press briefing.  “I’m just glad I’m skinny.” (Ed. note: technically she’s not skinny)

California Representative Adam Schiff (@goofyadamschiff) said the comments were one more piece of proof that the president colluded with Russia to steal the election.

Trump spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted these reports were “fake news” designed to denigrate and humiliate the president so his administration could not be effective, and the Democrats will have a better chance of political success in the midterm elections.  “That would be great,” acknowledged Jake Tapper of CNN, “but this is the kind of hard-hitting, factual reporting people expect from us.  These ‘fake’ claims are paranoia.”

 (comments should be directed to maydupnoos@tde.org)

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Trump and Schiff Cross Swords Over Russia

New-York-Times-Logo

SCHIFF-TRUMP BATTLE OVER RUSSIAN COLLUSION

by Noj Mocsab, Aug. 12, 2017 (NYT/AP)

There was a heated exchange in Washington this morning centered around Donald Trump’s alleged (lol) collusion with Russia to steal last year’s election from the rightful winner (i.e. left leaning) Hillary Clinton.

Schiff goofy CroppedCalifornia Representative Adam Schiff, the ranking Democrat on the House committee investigating Trump,  met with reporters to confirm that evidence of Trump’s Russia collusion has reached overwhelming proportions, leading to no doubt of his guilt.

“A single incident may not be telling by itself,” Schiff said to reporters.  “But taken as a totality, the evidence leaves no room for doubt.”

Schiff cited the following facts to support his case:

  • Trump visited Russia once about ten years ago
  • He starred on The Apprentice (Schiff: “not directly related perhaps, but I hated it”)
  • He sat near Putin at a G20 state dinner and was seen chatting with him over desert
  • Some of his relatives or campaign members talked to Russians once
  • Russia was skulking around the Dems’ campaign and even stole some of their emails, I think
  • Russia’s DNC hacking was probably Trump’s fault, even though the Dems gave the Ruskys their passwords and hungup on FBI warnings

“But the most damning thing?” Schiff asked reporters rhetorically.  “Hillary lost to this Bozo.  There’s no other rational explanation but that it was fixed.”

Schiff’s remarks triggered an angry Tweet-storm with President Trump.

Tweet Storm JPG Trump Schiff-1

In a rare showing of bipartisanship, both sides of the aisle agreed Adam Schiff is goofy looking, although there was no consensus on Trump’s collusion with Russia or Schiff’s mama.

The Schiff revelations triggered the appointment of three new special prosecutors and four additional congressional investigations.  We will continue to cover developments in this shocking story.

(Late update: the Ninth Circuit Court has ruled Trump’s Tweets unconstitutional)

Related headline: Dems Demand Independent Investigation of Anonymous Trump J-Walking Allegations

 

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How to Know if Trump Colluded with Russia

Russian American FlagsHave you wondered about rumored election collusion between Donald Trump and Russia (HWN: Aug. 5) and how in the world we can know if it’s true?  Well, the HardWired News staff of political and social scientists has been working on the problem.  Here is their Top Ten List of Ways We’ll Know if Trump Colluded with the Russians:

Top Ten Ways to Know if Trump Colluded with Russia

10 Borscht & vodka replace hotdogs and beer at ML baseball games

Cossack dancer Cropped 9 Trump and Putin caught Cossack dancing in the oval office

8 U.S. Army issued Kalashnikov rifles

7 Former Soviet foreign minister Sergey Lavrov named Trump’s White House chief of staff

6 U.S. Constitution is amended to make Russian Orthodox the official U.S. religion

5 Carnegie Hall becomes the formal home of the Bolshoi Ballet

Melania-Trump Cropped
Czarina

4 Official title of the American First Lady changed to “Czarina”

3 In Washington DC approved attire for women at State events includes babushkas and galoshesRussian Dome CROPPED

2 Colorful onion-shaped lúkovichnaya glavá dome added to the top of the Capitol

And the Number One way we can tell if Trump has colluded with the Russians:

1 Sen. Schumer, Rep. Schiff and Rep. Pelosi are sent to an arctic-Alaska work gulag until they publicly confess their crimes against the State

Liberalitis Pandemic Sweeping U.S. Cities

 

The Daily Echo JPG LOGO COLOR

by Noj Mocsab, August 3, 2017 (TDE/AP)

The Centers for Disease Control has confirmed that the contagious disease, liberalitis, is now endemic in certain large American cities, primarily along the northern Atlantic and Pacific coasts but also in a few other major urban centers such as Chicago.

The infectious condition first emerged in the U.S. during the Roosevelt administration in the Depression-era 1930s.  Its spread was largely held in check during the Eisenhower, Regan and Bush years, but now appears to be expanding.

Gutenschmartz Cropped Editied
Gutenschmartz

Dr. I.M. Gutenschmartz, an epidemiologist and infectious disease specialist from the Universitat ob Innsbruck in Austria, is the world’s foremost authority on the condition.  In a recent interview, he explained that the virus-borne disease affects brain cells in a way that interferes with everyday common sense.  “These patients are afflicted with delusions,” he explained.  “They see and believe things that would be preposterous and obviously false to normal individuals.”

The delusions that result from the condition fall into common patterns.  Infected individuals most frequently imagine the following things:

  • Capitalism is evil, despite historic evidence that it is responsible for America’s prosperity and power
  • High taxes don’t hurt the economy or the middle class, so long as they are only imposed on businesses and successful people
  • Large government bureaucracies are efficient and effective
  • There is no connection between socio-economic systems and freedom
  • If one feels bad about something or someone, a government agency should be created to deal with it
    • Corollary: the government’s main job is to give things to people
  • Paying for things with debt makes them really free, with no cost or consequences to anyone ever
  • Problematic behaviors such as crime, drugs, illegal immigration, cultural unemployment should be subsidized with welfare payments and social programs, then they will go away

The infection was first noted in Russia early in the twentieth century.  More recently, epidemics have occurred in Greece, Cuba and Venezuela.  There are disturbing signs it may have also taken hold in parts of the European Union.  In the United States, university faculties, aging hippies and “millennials”—those born near the end of the last and beginning of the current centuries—are most susceptible.

“Eventually it runs its course, unfortunately with the collapse of the infected society,”Soviet collapse Edited Guttenschmartz said, citing the failure of the former Soviet Union, the social chaos gripping Greece and the dysfunction in Venezuela.  “These are classic end-stage scenarios,” he added.  “And unfortunately, nations that contracted the disease and eventually recovered are not immune to new outbreaks; we seldom learn from history.”

Sanders Crazy SymptomaticSenators Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, known to have been ravaged by the outbreak, are cooperating with the medical community by providing tissue samples for study to aid the search for a cure.  Republican lawmakers, so far largely unaffected, are proposing legislation to place Sanders and Warren in isolation to protect against infecting others.  People who experience the symptoms are advised to proceed left to the nearest emergency room where liberal drivel can be suctioned from the eyes, ears and mouth.

 

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Top Ten Things Trump Will Do if California Secedes

Calexit 3

Maybe it’s sadly just human nature to dislike people “different” from us.  Remember the 90s, when the Hutu tribal people of Rwanda slaughtered a million Tutsi people because…well, they weren’t Hutus?  Or the Serbs’ war on Bosnians.  How about book burning in Nazi Germany, where not only people but ideas were rounded up and destroyed, in the pursuit of a purified Aryan nation.

Like you, I’d prefer to believe civilized societies have progressed beyond that kind of vitriolic idiocy.  America, after all, is a mixing pot, a nation of free speech and ideas where differences are not only tolerated but embraced.  Peace, love, kindness and tolerance, the mantra arguably of the progressive left.

Only…not in uberliberal California, the land of plenty where dudes and dudettes can “chill” year-’round in the warm sunshine and invigorating ocean spray.  Where self indulgence, materialism and instant gratification have been elevated to the status of religion.  At the University of California at Berkeley, people with different ideas—political conservatives invited to the campus to speak—are met not with dissent, but with mace, clubs, and fiery riots.  “Keep the haters out!” they scream, backing it up with sticks and stones, the sole reason apparently because the conservatives, the “haters”, simply don’t think like them.  All done in the name of peace, tolerance, inclusiveness and love.

Of course we all know conservatives—Reagan, Bush, Eisenhower—aren’t haters.  They simply see a different path to national well being than do the liberals.  But like the Hutus, Nazis and Serbs of yesterday, Californians don’t see it that way.  And now our West Coast cousins have had a bellyful of us all.  A move is underfoot in California to secede from the Union, from the United States of America.  It’s called Calexit, a clumsy takeoff of “Brexit” where Britain voted to leave the European Union.  Now many of us would say “so what,” no harm—no foul.  Don’t let the door hit you in the rear on your way out.  In fact, an ingenious man has now started a business to help conservatives escape from La-La Land and relocate in sane and safe Texas.

But President Trump, always a step ahead, has developed a strategy for dealing with Calexit.  And here are his Top Ten strategies if California secedes:

Calexit

It’s great to know America is prepared for any eventuality!