Have you wondered about rumored election collusion between Donald Trump and Russia (HWN: Aug. 5) and how in the world we can know if it’s true? Well, the HardWired News staff of political and social scientists has been working on the problem. Here is their Top Ten List of Ways We’ll Know if Trump Colluded with the Russians:
Top Ten Ways to Know if Trump Colluded with Russia
10 Borscht & vodka replace hotdogs and beer at ML baseball games
9 Trump and Putin caught Cossack dancing in the oval office
8 U.S. Army issued Kalashnikov rifles
7 Former Soviet foreign minister Sergey Lavrov named Trump’s White House chief of staff
6 U.S. Constitution is amended to make Russian Orthodox the official U.S. religion
5 Carnegie Hall becomes the formal home of the Bolshoi Ballet
4 Official title of the American First Lady changed to “Czarina”
3 In Washington DC approved attire for women at State events includes babushkas and galoshes
2 Colorful onion-shaped lúkovichnaya glavá dome added to the top of the Capitol
And the Number One way we can tell if Trump has colluded withthe Russians:
1Sen. Schumer, Rep. Schiff and Rep. Pelosi are sent to an arctic-Alaska work gulag until they publicly confess their crimes against the State
The Centers for Disease Control has confirmed that the contagious disease, liberalitis, is now endemic in certain large American cities, primarily along the northern Atlantic and Pacific coasts but also in a few other major urban centers such as Chicago.
The infectious condition first emerged in the U.S. during the Roosevelt administration in the Depression-era 1930s. Its spread was largely held in check during the Eisenhower, Regan and Bush years, but now appears to be expanding.
Dr. I.M. Gutenschmartz, an epidemiologist and infectious disease specialist from the Universitat ob Innsbruck in Austria, is the world’s foremost authority on the condition. In a recent interview, he explained that the virus-borne disease affects brain cells in a way that interferes with everyday common sense. “These patients are afflicted with delusions,” he explained. “They see and believe things that would be preposterous and obviously false to normal individuals.”
The delusions that result from the condition fall into common patterns. Infected individuals most frequently imagine the following things:
Capitalism is evil, despite historic evidence that it is responsible for America’s prosperity and power
High taxes don’t hurt the economy or the middle class, so long as they are only imposed on businesses and successful people
Large government bureaucracies are efficient and effective
There is no connection between socio-economic systems and freedom
If one feels bad about something or someone, a government agency should be created to deal with it
Corollary: the government’s main job is to give things to people
Paying for things with debt makes them really free, with no cost or consequences to anyone ever
Problematic behaviors such as crime, drugs, illegal immigration, cultural unemployment should be subsidized with welfare payments and social programs, then they will go away
The infection was first noted in Russia early in the twentieth century. More recently, epidemics have occurred in Greece, Cuba and Venezuela. There are disturbing signs it may have also taken hold in parts of the European Union. In the United States, university faculties, aging hippies and “millennials”—those born near the end of the last and beginning of the current centuries—are most susceptible.
“Eventually it runs its course, unfortunately with the collapse of the infected society,” Guttenschmartz said, citing the failure of the former Soviet Union, the social chaos gripping Greece and the dysfunction in Venezuela. “These are classic end-stage scenarios,” he added. “And unfortunately, nations that contracted the disease and eventually recovered are not immune to new outbreaks; we seldom learn from history.”
Senators Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, known to have been ravaged by the outbreak, are cooperating with the medical community by providing tissue samples for study to aid the search for a cure. Republican lawmakers, so far largely unaffected, are proposing legislation to place Sanders and Warren in isolation to protect against infecting others. People who experience the symptoms are advised to proceed left to the nearest emergency room where liberal drivel can be suctioned from the eyes, ears and mouth.
Maybe it’s sadly just human nature to dislike people “different” from us. Remember the 90s, when the Hutu tribal people of Rwanda slaughtered a million Tutsi people because…well, they weren’t Hutus? Or the Serbs’ war on Bosnians. How about book burning in Nazi Germany, where not only people but ideas were rounded up and destroyed, in the pursuit of a purified Aryan nation.
Like you, I’d prefer to believe civilized societies have progressed beyond that kind of vitriolic idiocy. America, after all, is a mixing pot, a nation of free speech and ideas where differences are not only tolerated but embraced. Peace, love, kindness and tolerance, the mantra arguably of the progressive left.
Only…not in uberliberal California, the land of plenty where dudes and dudettes can “chill” year-’round in the warm sunshine and invigorating ocean spray. Where self indulgence, materialism and instant gratification have been elevated to the status of religion. At the University of California at Berkeley, people with different ideas—political conservatives invited to the campus to speak—are met not with dissent, but with mace, clubs, and fiery riots. “Keep the haters out!” they scream, backing it up with sticks and stones, the sole reason apparently because the conservatives, the “haters”, simply don’t think like them. All done in the name of peace, tolerance, inclusiveness and love.
Of course we all know conservatives—Reagan, Bush, Eisenhower—aren’t haters. They simply see a different path to national well being than do the liberals. But like the Hutus, Nazis and Serbs of yesterday, Californians don’t see it that way. And now our West Coast cousins have had a bellyful of us all. A move is underfoot in California to secede from the Union, from the United States of America. It’s called Calexit, a clumsy takeoff of “Brexit” where Britain voted to leave the European Union. Now many of us would say “so what,” no harm—no foul. Don’t let the door hit you in the rear on your way out. In fact, an ingenious man has now started a business to help conservatives escape from La-La Land and relocate in sane and safe Texas.
But President Trump, always a step ahead, has developed a strategy for dealing with Calexit. And here are his Top Ten strategies if California secedes:
It’s great to know America is prepared for any eventuality!