The Devil is well documented in human history. He (some believe SHE) is mentioned numerous times in The Bible. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines him (or is it her?) as “the personal supreme spirit of evil”. And you remember the television icon of the 60s and 70s, Flip Wilson, who personally testified to The Devil’s interference in his life. He, of course, would never lie. There is other irrefutable evidence as well. Yes, the Devil is REAL and we know who he is.
HardWired News has now accessed amazing new technology that allows us to physically identify the actual Devil. Our scientists have recently perfected a Spiritually Induced Quantum Field Fluctuation Detector (SIQFFD or “sig-fuh-fid” for short). This innovation scans quantum field disturbances around a person caused by their spiritual self, otherwise invisible to the eye. Our researches have scanned millions of conventional images with the new technology, and have positively identified the individual who, despite all appearances to the contrary, is actually the Devil.
As any observer can see, the Devil is actually Judge Brett Kavanaugh! If the actual sig-fuh-fid scan is not enough, consider the following shocking facts about dirty-rotten Kavanaugh:
Drank beer in high school and college
Threw ice at a guy in a bar once
Took sides in a quarrel between roommates.
Can’t prove he didn’t assault someone at a teen beer party
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, the last one was denied by the Devil, can’t be corroborated by anyone including the people the complaining woman said were there; was flat-out denied under oath by a third party that the complaining woman said was a witness; was made by a democrat ideologue at the very end of a nomination process where Kavanaugh (did we mention he’s Republican?) was about to be recommended for the Supreme Court; wasn’t discovered in seven FBI background checks; and wasn’t brought up years before when he was overwhelmingly confirmed to the most important Federal appellate court in the country. But, hey, if any one of those charges is true (especially drinking beer – who does that?!), it should be enough to disqualify him from public office and prove he is the Devil. And we have plenty of other evidence of his evil: we just don’t want to talk about it right now.
Yes, the evidence is clear; Brett Kavanaugh is the Devil. Now go out and protest or something.
Are you like me, confused when national news events become convoluted headlines in the liberal press that bear little relationship to what actually happened? Well, help is on the way. HardWired News has performed an exhaustive scientific study of normal and liberal headlines, especially when they involve President Trump. We’ve constructed this handy translator to help ordinary people navigate from one to the other (thanks to confidant CW for the idea):
Well, we think you get the picture. Hopefully liberal headlines will now be more understandable to normal people with this handy translator. In the meantime, poo on fake news and Keep America Great
You remember we took a hiatus last October to come up for air. The lunacy of the liberal left made us more than a little apoplectic, so like a whipped puppy we retreated under the bed for a while. And while we won’t resume regular weekly articles, look for the occasional piece that strikes our fancy now and again.
The reason for our return now was an amazing advance in technology that could not be ignored. Through the efforts of renowned scientists laboring as an interactive team around the globe and using the latest advances in quantum computing, artificial intelligence, and nano-engineering, it is now possible to divine how things will be in the future. Fortunately, HardWired News has gained exclusive rights to the technology and has been able to access the front page of The New York Times, the September 17, 2518 edition. Here are a few headlines 500 years from now:
September 17, 2518
HISTORIC POLITICAL ACCORD REACHED
Republican Party Officially Banned
Imprisoned Repubs to be Paroled – Agreement to Cease Further Executions
LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES CONSOLIDATE UNDER ANTIFA
Peace, Love, Kindness & Harmony to Prevail Under Penalty of Death
NEW LEVELS OF NATIONAL PROSPERITY REACHED
Food Stamps, Welfare, Unemployment, Disability Payments Extend to 97% of Population
NATIONAL DEBT TO BE ERASED IN 27th U.S. BANKRUPTCY
“I can’t believe these suckers keep buying our bonds” – President
WEALTHY COUNTRIES PROMISE AID TO U.S.
Puerto Rico, Mexico, Bangladesh Pledge Food, Medicine
COURT RULES COLLEGES DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE STUPID
Universities Required to Remove Confusing Calculations from Science Courses
Dems Pledge Fair Education for All
NEW BRIDGES, DAMS COLLAPSING AT RECORD RATE
Designed by Latest Crop of Engineers – Reason a Mystery
CONVICTIONS FOR STEALING WIND SOAR
Worse Since All Fossil Fuels Were Banned
Bootleg Windmill Surge Stumps Officials at Department of Wishful Thinking & Energy Rationing
BUREAU OF SCARY PREDICTIONS SAYS WARMING TO WIPE OUT CIVILIZATION IN 10 YEARS
Fiftieth Consecutive Prediction
Officials Unable to Explain Deniers
SUPREME COURT SAYS ALL LOTTERY TICKET BUYERS TO RECEIVE SAME PAYOUT
Unfair Enrichment of Privileged Few Deemed Unconstitutional
“Drop in Lottery Ticket Sales a Mystery”: Secretary of Fair Economics
NATIONAL NETWORK OF MILLION COMFORT SHELTERS TO BE EXPANDED
Safe Havens for Liberals Traumatized by Opinions Different from Mainstream
School Comfort Counselor Per Student Ratio Reaches 1 for 1
Have you enjoyed HardWired News? Hundreds of others have with many thousands of visits to our website to read our quirky articles during the three months since we started it.
We admit we’re right-leaning. And we’re unconventional. Our style is not to rant or rave about political issues, but to inform through humor, satire, or parody. We’ve presented our beloved readers with faux New York Times articles lampooning the way they weave ideology into “news” reporting. Then there were the put-ons of the pomposity of figures like Hillary Clinton or the inescapable bigotry of the liberals. Remember the time we announced the spread of the deadly disease “Liberalitis,” or the fact that the ultimate victimizer and Austin Powers’ nemesis, Dr. Evil, had been identified and located on a mountaintop in Nevada? We had as good a laugh writing it as hopefully you did reading it.
It’s mostly done with tongue-in-cheek with the intent of creating a smile in our divided world, while still making valid points to help more people understand and reflect upon the nuisances of the issues of the day.
But, as the lead-in Bible quote to this article suggests, there is a time and place for everything and ours is drawing to an end, at least on a regular basis. We approached this project as a short-term beta test to judge its appeal and gauge reader reaction. Those goals have been accomplished. We’ve attracted many hundreds of fans on the main website and our Facebook page, and have garnered a robust and loyal readership. But it’s hard to overstate the time and effort involved in creating the regular stream of quality content many of you have come to enjoy, and so many of our points have now been made.
So, for now, we are taking a hiatus and moving on to other projects, at least for a time. You may still see the very occasional piece here when something really rings our bell, but the three-to-four articles weekly will sadly stop for the time being.
Thank you for reading, enjoying (some liberals gave us bloody hell), and commenting on HardWired News. The site will still be here, and you can always contact us through the About page. For now, know that we deeply value your loyal readership, and wish you a bittersweet Adieu until we meet again.
Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake issued a blistering critique of President Donald Trump in a speech on the Senate floor Tuesday, announcing that he will not seek re-election in 2018. That speech followed weeks of scathing public criticism from another outgoing Republican Senator, Tennessee’s Bob Corker. Arizona Sen. John McCain has also regularly spoken out against Trump.
Now, technically these things really happened. But it’s the context that’s misleading. Flake and Cork are both leaving the senate because they are too unpopular in their home states to get reelected, and the aging McCain, bitter over his failed presidential bids, is sick and also will not be reelected. The story, at least the lead-in, makes it seem as if Republican leaders have turned on Donald Trump, when in effect it’s a handful of bitter people on their way (unwillingly) out.
But even that is not the main point. Yesterday’s political news was an explosion, where it was revealed that the Clinton campaign actually paid for an operative to collude with Russia to falsely implicate then-candidate Trump in a series of preposterous allegations about sex and money in Russia. I’m talking about the Fusion GPS report that has been discredited as a scam by just about everyone. Then they gave it to the Obama-era FBI who actually began the now pervasive Trump-Russia probe based on a phony set-up by the Dems and Clinton.
My amazement at this turn of events is overwhelming. But my point here is that YahooNews (motto: Fake News On Demand) ignores that and runs with a “Trump Dissed by Fellow Republicans” story instead. It’s designed clearly as cover for the Dems.
Is it any wonder nearly two-thirds of all Americans believe the media news about Trump is either fake, or they aren’t quite sure yet? Thanks, Yahoo, for proving the point.
You may have heard Catalonia, a region in northeast Spain where the tony resort city of Barcelona is located, wants to secede and become independent. The French-speaking province of Quebec tried the same thing with Canada a few years earlier. And the quirky Scots narrowly failed to vote independence from England and the British Empire. The separatist sentiments continue to smolder in all those regions.
Experts say the quest for separation is due to differences from the rest of the country in a region’s culture, language, religion, ancestral origins, or relative prosperity. Quebec, for instance, speaks French and has a more robust industrial base than other areas—all English speaking—of Canada. The Catalonians also have a unique local language and are by and large wealthier than elsewhere in Spain. And the Scots? Well, they’re just Scots; there’s really no one else like them.
So how is California so different that it wants to be separate from the rest of America? HardWired News has done an exhaustive scientific study and learned exactly why.
So there really are fundamental differences between California and authentic America. To be clear, we are talking about the uber-left western regions such as LA, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Berkeley (of course), San Jose (school’s still out on San Diego). The northern-and-easternmost areas are quite normal and would likely remain American.
So should we let the over-the-moon, whacko liberal areas secede and become their own country? It’s an interesting proposition. Eventually, America could establish diplomatic relations and allow well-regulated tourism and trade between the countries. Although we could never, ever—under any circumstances—allow them to acquire nuclear weapons! It would be the same as giving your toddler scissors to run around with.
Is it any wonder? A Politico pollfound that a whopping 46% of people believe the media makes up negative stories about Donald Trump, with another 17% undecided. Only about a third believe they don’t.
Let us give you a recent example among many of why. This week the president called the mother of a U.S. soldier just killed in Niger supporting local anti-terrorist forces. Not all presidents have made such personal calls. During the telephone conversation, strident Democrat lawmaker Frederica Wilson, a member of the Trump-hating Congressional Black Caucus, allegedly listened in on the call and later claimed to the media that the president had “disrespected” the fallen soldier’s memory and family by saying “he knew what he signed up for.” The phrase has been used many times before by others to note the bravery of our fallen soldiers who knowingly and voluntarily went in harm’s way, suggesting their loss is all the more heroic for having accepted the awful risk. White House Chief of Staff
and retired general John Kelly, himself a Gold Star father, said the military officer who called him after Kelly’s own son had been killed in combat said the same thing, and it was taken as a sincere tribute.
The surprising thing is not that Representative Wilson, a known Trump-basher, would make such a preposterous inference, but that the national media would run with it as tantamount to a political scandal, not implicating Wilson, but instead Trump. It was the major story on the national broadcast, print, and cable news outlets, particularly so with NBC and CNN. Obviously, Donald Trump was praising the young soldier’s selfless heroism in his personal outreach to the family. But for the traditional news sources to position it as a Trump scandal is laughable. Is it any wonder that most people simply don’t believe them anymore?
President Lincoln taught us that you can’t fool all the people all the time. Everyday citizens aren’t stupid and can see through the hysterical attempts by the media to spin harmless events into anti-Trump tirades. The notoriously left media is both incensed at the president’s unexpected and unwelcome thrashing of liberal darling Hillary Clinton and outraged at the charges of “fake news” by the president, which stings all the more because they are true.
The media is in a bed of their of making with most people either convinced of or still wavering as to their deceit. For our money, it couldn’t be happening to a more deserving group of people.
Hillary Clinton has been busy making public appearances ostensibly promoting her new book, What Happened, a list of pathetic excuses for her 2016 election loss to Donald Trump. HardWired News opined that it was simply a money-play (How to Tell Hillary Clinton Loves Money…). But some pundits claim her appearances sound more like political positioning for another run at the White House.
Recall that first she tested the waters unsuccessfully against the ultimate Democrat nominee Al “I invented the Internet” Gore in 2000, and again struck out as her party’s nominee in 2004 when John “Mr. Excitement” Kerry ran against Bush II. Then in 2008 the self-proclaimed heir-apparent-to-greatness lost in a trouncing to unaccomplished newcomer Barack Obama. Most famously, she took a woodshed beating from our current Commander-in-Chief, quirky Donald Trump in her 2016 failed attempt.
But now she is sounding candidate-like again, with posturing on national policy questions and assuming the role of denouncer of our sitting president. So how can we really know if she is preparing for yet another run?
HardWired News has discovered the Top Ten Ways to know if Hilarity is planning another presidential run in 2020. They are…
10Publicly came out in support of “taking a knee” by NFL players during our National Anthem, another doofus move unpopular with mainstream voters just like her previous campaign positions
9Wrote a humiliating book, What Happened, trying to convince herself that she now knows how to fix what went wrong
8Sees that the ineffective Republicans, in control of Congress and the White House, are so hapless in trying to get anything done they couldn’t elect a dogcatcher in 2020
7Taking “Tweeting” lessons to out-Tweet the Tweeter-in-Chief
6Recently added twenty new pantsuits to her wardrobe
5Signed up for charm school
4Bought a fifty-five gallon drum of industrial strength No-Doze pills so she can stay awake long enough to campaign in the swing states she ignored and lost the last time
3Mastering social media technology by commissioning Anthony Weiner, former husband of her closest advisor Huma Abedin, to teach her the fine art of Snap Chatting photos
2Had longtime pal Harvey Weinstein recruit ten thousand Hollywood extras to pack her events and make it look like she is popular in return for undisclosed favors
And the Number One Way to Know Hillary Clinton is Running Again…
1Had husband Bill Clinton’s mouth and one other undisclosed aperture surgically sewn up so they can’t humiliate her again
Can’t wait to see Hillary where she rightfully belongs (insert your preferred destination here…)
As we’ve done in the past, we’ll take a moment on this Monday to comment from a HardWired Newsperspective on weekend developments that didn’t receive much coverage
Comedian George Lopez Booed; Contributes to Racism
Hispanic comedian George Lopez was booed from an event he was supposed to be moderating in Denver over the weekend for his continued Trump-bashing jokes and anti-white comments. He referred to people in the audience disparagingly as a bunch of “old white men,” and ranted about white privilege.
When minorities seek justice by bashing whites, they are guilty of the same racist philosophies as those who insult them. Racism is, of course, the practice of attributing faults to an entire group of people based on their ancestry. It’s wrong when white people practice it against blacks, Hispanics, and others. But when turnaround is used by minorities, it simply justifies and ratifies the process, thereby contributing to the spiral of racial divide. And the frenzied Trump-bashing by Lopez and his buddies on the left is so over the top, rational people begin to simply dismiss it out of hand rather than seriously consider the arguments of those who oppose Trump.
I can tell you from experience as a white man in America that there are others of my background and ethnicity who are racist (I am not). But for every one that is, there are many, many more who are fair-minded and sympathetic to the concerns of minorities. Behavior such as Lopez displayed turns these people off, and gives permission to the racists for their behavior.
So score one for the racists thanks to George Lopez. Not to mention empowering the Trump supporters. Thanks, George
Weinstein Brings Out the Worst in the Left
Harvey Weinstein, as everyone knows by now, is the uber-liberal Hollywood mogul recently called out for sexual aggression toward and exploitation of young Hollywood women. The fawning left initially—for decades, actually—looked the other way, although his actions have become so notorious everyone is piling on (rightly so, in my view). He has no cover. But now the left is growing bizarre in their quest to draw-and-
quarter him. An actress, Mayim Bialik of Big Bang TV fame, wrote that she condemned Weinstein, sympathized with his victims, and recounted how she has had to deflect unwanted sexual advances in Tinsel Town by making it clear she would not tolerate them. Instead of praising her, the left attacked her for “implying” the victims had done something wrong by not emulating Bialik. She, of course, said no such thing, but that did not calm the attacks. As these things always seem to work out, she has now apologized to the left, for doing absolutely nothing wrong! You can’t make this stuff up.
Those Who Profess Wanting to Save People from Gun Violence Threaten Others with Death
You heard me. Anti-gun advocates are turning on NRA female spokesperson Dana Loesch and sending her death threats. In the interest of stopping gun violence, these nuts are saying they will shoot her and “rape her to death.” She points out, correctly in my mind, many of her detractors are also the ones condemning Weinstein for his abuse of women (see any irony here?) and “the left believes only non-conservative women deserve respect.” The left could not show greater hypocrisy.