A Modest Proposal: Millennials, Snowflakes and the Future of America

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We get it.  Every “older generation” (e.g. us) is critical of young people.  Remember the song from the 60s musical, Bye-bye Birdie.

 

What’s the matter with kids today

why can’t they be like we were

perfect in every way

oh, WHAT’S the matter with kids to – dayyyyyyy

But despite the misgivings of seniors, people pretty much turn out all right (if you forget the Hippies).  At least they have in the past.

However, enter the Millennials, colloquially defined as those reaching young adulthood in this, the early twenty-first century.  Inexplicably, they are a generation raised apart from the normal experience of human history, as if in some bizarre, misguided science experiment.

Remember how we signed up for after-school programs?  Little league, Brownies or Cub Scouts?  In contrast, the Millennials are craftily enrolled by calculating parents in carefully selected activities designed to give their children just the right experience to make them superior to all others.  While we grabbed a glove and went down to the sandlot to play some ball with our buds, now, hovering soccer moms and “involved” soccer momfathers sign the kids up, drive them, participate in every aspect, argue with coaches and umpires, take everyone out for pizza afterwards, and console the losers.  And everyone is told again and again, “good job!” (barf)  Helicopter mothers endlessly circle over their children’s lives.  No wonder these children cannot function in modern society.

“So what?” you might say.  “I haven’t any skin in the game.  No harm, no foul, just let them be doofuses.”  If so, you’d be missing a key point.

They will be our future leaders!  No way around it.  The normal people are going to die (we hope this doesn’t shock you) and they will be the only folks left.  If you think the generations coming up behind will be more functional, think again.  The Millennials, unlike their parents, seem bent on raising their kids exactly like they were!  It’s part of the disease.

Think about it.  Here are some characteristics of Millennials that would define their performance as our leaders:

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Millennials Preparing for Leadership
  • Can’t write or read cursive
  • Types with their thumbs
  • Writes in primitive abbreviations (e.g. you are = ur)
  • Corollary: Can’t spell without SpellCheck, and even then screws it up
  • Believes debt should be forgiven by the government if it was for a good cause or didn’t work out
  • Just fine interrupting a conversation to answer the phone or respond to a text
  • Posts every action and thought on the Internet
  • Corollary: posts photos of an accident rather than helping
  • Thinks the government has infinite money
  • Sees no problem with socialism, and can’t understand why all countries don’t do it
  • Can find no logical connection between market capitalism and our standard of living or success as a nation
  • Believes a job is a right that exists for their personal enjoyment
  • Keeps a small electronic device constantly attached to their hands and frozen in front of their face
  • Are convinced we are dumb
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Reeducation Camp

For the majority who say we should euthanize these young people and start over, we at HardWired News believe that possibly is too harsh (although we’re keeping an open mind).  We should compassionately take a note from Stalin’s playbook, and send them to “reeducation” camps, where they can be straightened out, even if it takes the rest of their lives (heh-heh-heh).  There they would be responsible for their own decisions.  Consequences for actions and inaction would fall upon them without interference.  They would be allowed to formulate their own goals, achieve them or not, and live with the results.  The inmates could reach their own decisions absent liberal dogma or political correctness.

Or are we just dreaming?

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You do realize we’re kidding, right?  Sort of…

Will Weird California Join the Secession Bandwagon?

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California is at it again.

You may have heard Catalonia, a region in northeast Spain where the tony resort city of Barcelona is located, wants to secede and become independent.  The French-speaking province of Quebec tried the same thing with Canada a few years earlier.  And the quirky Scots narrowly failed to vote independence from England and the British Empire.  The separatist sentiments continue to smolder in all those regions.

Experts say the quest for separation is due to differences from the rest of the country in a region’s culture, language, religion, ancestral origins, or relative prosperity.  Quebec, for instance, speaks French and has a more robust industrial base than other areas—all English speaking—of Canada.  The Catalonians also have a unique local language and are by and large wealthier than elsewhere in Spain.  And the Scots?  Well, they’re just Scots; there’s really no one else like them.

So how is California so different that it wants to be separate from the rest of America?  HardWired News has done an exhaustive scientific study and learned exactly why.

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So there really are fundamental differences between California and authentic America.California Secession  To be clear, we are talking about the uber-left western regions such as LA, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Berkeley (of course), San Jose (school’s still out on San Diego).  The northern-and-easternmost areas are quite normal and would likely remain American.

So should we let the over-the-moon, whacko liberal areas secede and become their own California nuclear explosioncountry?  It’s an interesting proposition.  Eventually, America could establish diplomatic relations and allow well-regulated tourism and trade between the countries.  Although we could never, ever—under any circumstances—allow them to acquire nuclear weapons!  It would be the same as giving your toddler scissors to run around with.

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