Exclusive Interview: Goofy Adam Schiff

 

Schiff goofy CroppedYou remember Adam Schiff, don’t you?  The goofy looking representative from an uber-liberal California district (aren’t they all?).  His only claim to fame was insisting he had indisputable evidence of Trump’s collusion with the Russians to throw the 2016 election, and in turn called for his immediate impeachment.  Of course, now that the Mueller (the handpicked darling of the Dems) report has exonerated the president of collusion and failed to charge him with anything, Schiff has grown strangely silent, although when pressed he continues to maintain that President Trump really did collude, criminally obstructed the investigation, and should be impeached anyway.

So HardWired News caught up with Schiff for a follow-up interview to see what he has to say now:

HWN:    Now that Trump has been exonerated by the Mueller report of collusion, do you think he should still be impeached?

Schiff:    Is the Pope Catholic?

HWN:    You always said you personally have secret absolute proof of his collusion.

Schiff:    I do.

HWN:    What is it?

Schiff:    I don’t feel like saying right now.

HWN:    And what about obstruction of justice claims, for which he was never charged?

Schiff:    He did that too.

HWN:    Didn’t he simply proclaim his innocence, and talk about taking actions, which he never did, based on frustration over a false charge of which he was cleared?

Schiff:    Well…maybe…I just don’t want to talk about that.  He should be impeached.

HWN:    Didn’t the infamous Spanish Inquisition, during which people were tortured and executed for being alleged heretics, find that people claiming their innocence and objecting to the process deserved the death penalty for simply doing that? 

Schiff:    But this is Trump.

HWN:    What do you say to those who claim that you are the goofiest looking legislator ever?

Schiff:    That’s beside the point.  And what about Nancy Pelosi?

HWN:    Were you bullied in high school?  And do you wet the bed?  Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Schiff:    Trump should be impeached.

Schiff Cartoon 7-10-19

For the record, the Honorable Representative Adam Schiff is not a single-issue guy.  He also maintains the End of Days is near, he has been abducted by aliens, the world is flat, and Beto O’Rourke will be elected the next president of the United States.

For more information, go to:

www.thisisamadeupstory.com

A Questioning Look at the Democratic Debates

DebateAre you as befuddled as we were after the most recent Democratic debates?  Remember: silly proposals, wrong-headed claims, and shouting out-of-turn to vie for attention.  It reminded me of a preschool teacher trying to corral a group of unruly four-year-olds.  It defied explanation.  But WAIT!  We remembered the words of renowned physicist Albert Einstein, who taught us that understanding comes not from knowing the answers, but rather from knowing the questions to ask:

Einstein

“Genius isn’t about knowing everything; it’s about knowing what questions to ask?”

So, in that we here at HardWired News are undisputed geniuses, we came up with a few questions to help us understand just what the hell went on:

If illegal aliens are undocumented immigrants, why aren’t bank robbers just making an undocumented withdrawal?

If giving every adult $1000 a month is a good thing, why isn’t giving them all $1 million a month a thousand time better?

If giving people benefits without raising taxes works, why wouldn’t giving poker players (who anteed $10 for ten chips) ten more chips make each player twice as well off?

If people who sneak into our country to get our benefits are victims deserving asylum, why aren’t home invaders entitled to take the stuff and be immediately set free?

If illegal aliens deserve American health care benefits, why not just provide it to them in their home countries so they don’t have to make the trip?

If shouting down your opposition is the way to get noticed and win, why doesn’t ANTIFA run everything?

When our current political hopefuls run out of whacko things to give away in return for votes, what will the next generation of politicos give away?

If Wall Street is the cause of all our problems, why not banish them all to concentration camps like Hitler did with his problem causers?

If using other people’s money to give free stuff away in exchange for votes is a good thing, why don’t candidates take each other’s money and buy the votes of their opponents’ supporters?

If the definition of insanity is using the same failed strategy and expecting different results, why aren’t proponents of socialism adjudicated insane?

We don’t have all the answers to these questions just now (actually we do), but we’re still geniuses for asking them.  Right?

And you, Dear Reader?  We’re pretty sure you have answers of your own (you’re free to post them here).  Good luck!

________________________________________________________

Disclaimer: Einstein never really said that—we made it up (they’re still damn good questions)

To-Do for 2019!

One of our occasional contributors, hapless office-boy John Bascom, has provided his list of 2019 New Year’s Resolutions.  In view of our political climate and how they influenced his resolutions, we thought we’d share them with you here:

2019 New Year’s Resolutions of John Bascom

Resolutions 2019 FINAL REVE 12-20

Happy New Year folks!

New Technology Leads to Identification of THE DEVIL

Flip Wilson 2
“The Devil Made Me Do It”

The Devil is well documented in human history.  He (some believe SHE) is mentioned numerous times in The Bible.  The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines him (or is it her?) as “the personal supreme spirit of evil”.  And you remember the television icon of the 60s and 70s, Flip Wilson, who personally testified to The Devil’s interference in his life.  He, of course, would never lie.  There is other irrefutable evidence as well.  Yes, the Devil is REAL and we know who he is.

 

HardWired News has now accessed amazing new technology that allows us to physically identify the actual Devil.  Our scientists have recently perfected a Spiritually Induced Quantum Field Fluctuation Detector (SIQFFD or “sig-fuh-fid” for short).  This innovation scans quantum field disturbances around a person caused by their spiritual self, otherwise invisible to the eye.  Our researches have scanned millions of conventional images with the new technology, and have positively identified the individual who, despite all appearances to the contrary, is actually the Devil.

Kavanaugh - Devil

 

As any observer can see, the Devil is actually Judge Brett Kavanaugh!  If the actual sig-fuh-fid scan is not enough, consider the following shocking facts about dirty-rotten Kavanaugh:

  • Drank beer in high school and college
  • Threw ice at a guy in a bar once
  • Took sides in a quarrel between roommates.
  • Can’t prove he didn’t assault someone at a teen beer party

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, the last one was denied by the Devil, can’t be corroborated by anyone including the people the complaining woman said were there; was flat-out denied under oath by a third party that the complaining woman said was a witness; was made by a democrat ideologue at the very end of a nomination process where Kavanaugh (did we mention he’s Republican?) was about to be recommended for the Supreme Court; wasn’t discovered in seven FBI background checks; and wasn’t brought up years before when he was overwhelmingly confirmed to the most important Federal appellate court in the country.  But, hey, if any one of those charges is true (especially drinking beer – who does that?!), it should be enough to disqualify him from public office and prove he is the Devil.  And we have plenty of other evidence of his evil: we just don’t want to talk about it right now.

Yes, the evidence is clear; Brett Kavanaugh is the Devil.  Now go out and protest or something.

What You Always Wanted to Know About Liberal Headlines – but were afraid to ask

ConfusedAre you like me, confused when national news events become convoluted headlines in the liberal press that bear little relationship to what actually happened?  Well, help is on the way.  HardWired News has performed an exhaustive scientific study of normal and liberal headlines, especially when they involve President Trump.  We’ve constructed this handy translator to help ordinary people navigate from one to the other (thanks to confidant CW for the idea):

Headlines JPG

Well, we think you get the picture.  Hopefully liberal headlines will now be more understandable to normal people with this handy translator.  In the meantime, poo on fake news and Keep America Great

Fake News CNN 4

HardWired News Takes a Hiatus

To every thing there is a season

and a time to every purpose under the heaven

                                                       …The Holy Bible

 

Circuit Board rose HW cropped
If it’s HardWired it must be RIGHT

Have you enjoyed HardWired News?  Hundreds of others have with many thousands of visits to our website to read our quirky articles during the three months since we started it.

We admit we’re right-leaning.  And we’re unconventional.  Our style is not to rant or rave about political issues, but to inform through humor, satire, or parody.  We’ve presented our beloved readers with faux New York Times articles lampooning the way they weaveNew-York-Times-Logo ideology into “news” reporting.  Then there were the put-ons of the pomposity of figures like Hillary Clinton or the inescapable bigotry of the liberals.  Remember the time we announced the Dr Evilspread of the deadly disease “Liberalitis,” or the fact that the ultimate victimizer and Austin Powers’ nemesis, Dr. Evil, had been identified and located on a mountaintop in Nevada?  We had as good a laugh writing it as hopefully you did reading it.

It’s mostly done with tongue-in-cheek with the intent of creating a smile in our divided world, while still making valid points to help more people understand and reflect upon the nuisances of the issues of the day.

But, as the lead-in Bible quote to this article suggests, there is a time and place for HWN Logo MaleRock Guitarist CROPPEDeverything and ours is drawing to an end, at least on a regular basis.  We approached this project as a short-term beta test to judge its appeal and gauge reader reaction.  Those goals have been accomplished.  We’ve attracted many hundreds of fans on the main website and our Facebook page, and have garnered a robust and loyal readership.  But it’s hard to overstate the time and effort involved in creating the regular stream of quality content many of you have come to enjoy, and so many of our points have now been made.

Goodbye baby FinalSo, for now, we are taking a hiatus and moving on to other projects, at least for a time.  You may still see the very occasional piece here when something really rings our bell, but the three-to-four articles weekly will sadly stop for the time being.

Thank you for reading, enjoying (some liberals gave us bloody hell), and commenting on HardWired News.  The site will still be here, and you can always contact us through the About page.  For now, know that we deeply value your loyal readership, and wish you a bittersweet Adieu until we meet again.

John Petersburg Harbor cropped
Goodbye for now

Science Mimics Life: Liberals and the Sex-Robots

HardWired News bends over backward (not like you think) to avoid prurient themes.  But we couldn’t resist this one.

Fox News reported that our scientists—backed by generous government grants, no doubt—are working double-time to perfect sex robots.  You heard me: droids (as in “androids,” not the phone) are being developed to look and act like fully functioning sexsex-robot.jpg partners for the truly lonely.  Apparently, they will not only have comely appearances and operational “parts,” but will possess artificial intelligence, computer generated speech and the right actions to mimic passionate moves and emotions of real lovers.  No sense wasting those research dollars on things like vaccines for infectious diseases or cancer cures.  Is this a great country, or what?

sex-robot-mia.jpeg
Carnally Adept Synthetic

Actually, there was an eerily similar theme in the recent AMC cable sci-fi series,  HUM∀NS.  In it, synthetic people fulfilled the every wish (including sexual) of their owners.  As you might expect, it didn’t end well if you don’t like murderous, rebelling robots unleashed on humanity.  But the latest effort reported by Fox is anything but fiction.  Apparently, it is quite real.

Now if you’re like me, you might think no one in their right mind would go for this.  But then you think of the liberals, with their plastic programs that really achieve nothing but make them feel good with artificially induced satisfaction.  Things like passing gun laws that don’t really reduce crime (Chicago), outlawing “hate” crimes (like crimes aren’t really bad unless we label them hateful), banning “offensive” words or phrases (such as “freshman”, “American dream”, “illegal alien”, “radical Islamic terrorist” in California schools), or of course destroying statues of historic characters who had a nasty point of view.  One wonders if they lean back and smoke a cigarette after implementing these things.

Once we understand the sex robots are a metaphor for the liberals, well…it’s all good ISex Robot cartoon guess.  At least it might keep the libs harmlessly occupied and thereby reduce the damage they do to our country.  Maybe they’ll be included as a mandatory benefit under a new ObamaCare on steroids, or should I say Viagra.

After all, what could go wrong?

Trump Tweets Go PC

That Donald Trump!  Always putting his foot in his mouth, especially with his Tweets.  Just about everyone including his closest advisors wants him to clean up his act.

Trump wi Tweet Birds CROPPEDSo now El Presidente has hired a former Obama administration PR type to make sure everything he says is politically correct or “PC”, particularly on Twitter.  Below are some of the Tweets the president wrote and the sanitized version of his new correct-speak advisor.

Trum Tweets JPG

Now Donald Trump is sure to improve his presidential image and popularity, and win re-election in 2020.  We can all look forward to Making America Great (er…pretty good) Again!

 

Comments to may.dupnoos@hwn.com

PC Term of the Day: “PRONOUN MISHAP”

Girl petulent
Perpetrator

In California (where else?), a first grade girl was called to the principal’s office for grilling and potential discipline (which she dodged in the end) for calling another child by his (or newly “her”) given first name.  It seems the second child had been a “boy” the prior year, and was “transitioning” to a girl in a gender switch.  The naughty little first grader called the gender-mobile child by the male name she had known him (now “her”) by for the prior years.  The offending girl was investigated for gender bullying and eventually cleared when the “pronoun mishap,” a term coined by the school, was found to be unintentional (WHEW! – close one).

I have absolutely nothing against transgender people, although I confess to finding it profoundly odd.  And I have sympathy for the discomfort they must experience in the process of changing genders.  I likewise have no patience for bullying people who are different from the majority, be it because of race, religion, disabilities, sexual orientation or any other status that can be used to arbitrarily define people.

But bending over backward to invent verbal offenses and to make differently appearing or abled persons permanent victims meriting extraordinary deference is preposterous.

Political Correctness has invaded our language.  Here is a quick guide, taken from several sources, to nasty words or phrases according to the PC police.

Offensive TermExplanation JPG I suppose taken to its logical conclusion, a person (male identification) must become a gender neutral perper, a woman (here we go again, male reference) should be a woperper, more simply a woper, or perhaps ideally a wowo.  Then again a human would have to be a huper or arguably a huperper.  And lest we forget, a female becomes a feperper or fewowo, while a wife (demeaning connotation) is a wowospouse.  But then must a manhole cover become perperhole cover or maybe even a huperhole cover?  But wait!  Is hole politically correct?  We must move to a huperperspace cover!  What’s a fellow (er…nonwowoperper) to do?  I’m getting more confused by the second.  It’s going to be dang difficult to learn this new language to keep the Political Correctness Police at bay!