What You Always Wanted to Know About the Plague of TOXIC MASCULINITY

Are you like us, worried about the greatest threat to American society?  Maybe you think it’s the opioid epidemic.  Or nuclear proliferation, perhaps AIDS or even Global Warming.  If so, you’d be wrong.

No, according to the American Psychological Association (APA), Brown University, and the world’s greatest authority on what’s wrong with America, Elizabeth Warren, it’s Toxic Masculinity.

Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson – Stereotypical Toximasculist

Yep.  But, hey, maybe there’s a grain of truth.  After all, who isn’t horrified by rape, domestic violence, drunken barroom brawls and the like?  But those are a tiny fraction of all men, the criminal element populating our jails.  And it’s not at all what the APA, New York Times, and a host of other progressive (insert liberal) organizations are talking about.  No, the APA unashamedly calls the threat “traditional masculinity” (our emphasis) indicating the problem is that of everyday men being…well…men.

 

Here are a few of the APA’s indicators of toxic masculinity (a term originally attributed to uber’-liberal Elizabeth Warren):

  • Fails to show emotions easily
  • Maintains a tough exterior persona
  • Avoids appearance of weakness or femininity
  • Not a big talker
  • Interested in sex

If that sounds like just about most of the men you’ve ever known, you’re probably right.

Our cadre of physicians and scientists has found that the opposite of toxic masculinity, and therefore the correct way to be, is something they describe as femimasculinity or being a femimasculist.  Think about it: the alternative to the above indicators is being overtly emotional, having a soft exterior persona, displaying vulnerability, readily talking about everything, and having little interest in sex (post marriage, anyway).  And that describes just about all of the women we know.

Now, we’re not talking about sexual orientation here.  That’s something altogether different.  No, we’re talking about how ordinary men act.  With a nod to Jeff Foxworthy, here are a few tests you can take:

  • If you like Sunday afternoon football, cold beer, or playing a competitive sport, you might just have Toxic Masculinity
  • or…if you live in an apartment in Boston, San Francisco or New York, have never been hunting, wear a suit to work, have a therapist, and think about how you can be more sensitive to women’s feelings, you definitely are a Femimasculist
Mr Rogers
Mr. Rogers – Beatified Femimasculist

Of course, all of us want to be part of the solution, not the problem.  But overcoming toxic masculinity requires a more in depth understanding of the symptoms before we can identify those needing a cure.  Here is a handy list of scenarios prepared by our Research Department that contrast nasty toximasculists with oh-so-desirable femimasculists.

Toxi vs Femi JPEG

Fellows, if you fall into one or more of the above Toxic Masculinity categories, not to worry.  Courses and programs to fix yourselves are cropping up at progressive institutions, and just in time.  Breitbart.com reports that, among others, Brown University is offering a program Unlearning Toxic Masculinity 101.  Brown’s literature says

Brown’s goal is to create a “safe space” for male students to “unpack all of the things they have learned about masculinity and what it means to be a man…”

Thank God!  Help is on the way.

So guys, if someone says you have toxic (e.g. traditional) masculinity and are therefore a threat to society, go ahead and enroll in a course to become a femimasculist.  Or…you can just tell them to kiss your toxic (insert your own noun here).