A Modest Proposal: Millennials, Snowflakes and the Future of America

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We get it.  Every “older generation” (e.g. us) is critical of young people.  Remember the song from the 60s musical, Bye-bye Birdie.

 

What’s the matter with kids today

why can’t they be like we were

perfect in every way

oh, WHAT’S the matter with kids to – dayyyyyyy

But despite the misgivings of seniors, people pretty much turn out all right (if you forget the Hippies).  At least they have in the past.

However, enter the Millennials, colloquially defined as those reaching young adulthood in this, the early twenty-first century.  Inexplicably, they are a generation raised apart from the normal experience of human history, as if in some bizarre, misguided science experiment.

Remember how we signed up for after-school programs?  Little league, Brownies or Cub Scouts?  In contrast, the Millennials are craftily enrolled by calculating parents in carefully selected activities designed to give their children just the right experience to make them superior to all others.  While we grabbed a glove and went down to the sandlot to play some ball with our buds, now, hovering soccer moms and “involved” soccer momfathers sign the kids up, drive them, participate in every aspect, argue with coaches and umpires, take everyone out for pizza afterwards, and console the losers.  And everyone is told again and again, “good job!” (barf)  Helicopter mothers endlessly circle over their children’s lives.  No wonder these children cannot function in modern society.

“So what?” you might say.  “I haven’t any skin in the game.  No harm, no foul, just let them be doofuses.”  If so, you’d be missing a key point.

They will be our future leaders!  No way around it.  The normal people are going to die (we hope this doesn’t shock you) and they will be the only folks left.  If you think the generations coming up behind will be more functional, think again.  The Millennials, unlike their parents, seem bent on raising their kids exactly like they were!  It’s part of the disease.

Think about it.  Here are some characteristics of Millennials that would define their performance as our leaders:

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Millennials Preparing for Leadership
  • Can’t write or read cursive
  • Types with their thumbs
  • Writes in primitive abbreviations (e.g. you are = ur)
  • Corollary: Can’t spell without SpellCheck, and even then screws it up
  • Believes debt should be forgiven by the government if it was for a good cause or didn’t work out
  • Just fine interrupting a conversation to answer the phone or respond to a text
  • Posts every action and thought on the Internet
  • Corollary: posts photos of an accident rather than helping
  • Thinks the government has infinite money
  • Sees no problem with socialism, and can’t understand why all countries don’t do it
  • Can find no logical connection between market capitalism and our standard of living or success as a nation
  • Believes a job is a right that exists for their personal enjoyment
  • Keeps a small electronic device constantly attached to their hands and frozen in front of their face
  • Are convinced we are dumb
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Reeducation Camp

For the majority who say we should euthanize these young people and start over, we at HardWired News believe that possibly is too harsh (although we’re keeping an open mind).  We should compassionately take a note from Stalin’s playbook, and send them to “reeducation” camps, where they can be straightened out, even if it takes the rest of their lives (heh-heh-heh).  There they would be responsible for their own decisions.  Consequences for actions and inaction would fall upon them without interference.  They would be allowed to formulate their own goals, achieve them or not, and live with the results.  The inmates could reach their own decisions absent liberal dogma or political correctness.

Or are we just dreaming?

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You do realize we’re kidding, right?  Sort of…

Liberalitis Pandemic Sweeping U.S. Cities

 

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by Noj Mocsab, August 3, 2017 (TDE/AP)

The Centers for Disease Control has confirmed that the contagious disease, liberalitis, is now endemic in certain large American cities, primarily along the northern Atlantic and Pacific coasts but also in a few other major urban centers such as Chicago.

The infectious condition first emerged in the U.S. during the Roosevelt administration in the Depression-era 1930s.  Its spread was largely held in check during the Eisenhower, Regan and Bush years, but now appears to be expanding.

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Gutenschmartz

Dr. I.M. Gutenschmartz, an epidemiologist and infectious disease specialist from the Universitat ob Innsbruck in Austria, is the world’s foremost authority on the condition.  In a recent interview, he explained that the virus-borne disease affects brain cells in a way that interferes with everyday common sense.  “These patients are afflicted with delusions,” he explained.  “They see and believe things that would be preposterous and obviously false to normal individuals.”

The delusions that result from the condition fall into common patterns.  Infected individuals most frequently imagine the following things:

  • Capitalism is evil, despite historic evidence that it is responsible for America’s prosperity and power
  • High taxes don’t hurt the economy or the middle class, so long as they are only imposed on businesses and successful people
  • Large government bureaucracies are efficient and effective
  • There is no connection between socio-economic systems and freedom
  • If one feels bad about something or someone, a government agency should be created to deal with it
    • Corollary: the government’s main job is to give things to people
  • Paying for things with debt makes them really free, with no cost or consequences to anyone ever
  • Problematic behaviors such as crime, drugs, illegal immigration, cultural unemployment should be subsidized with welfare payments and social programs, then they will go away

The infection was first noted in Russia early in the twentieth century.  More recently, epidemics have occurred in Greece, Cuba and Venezuela.  There are disturbing signs it may have also taken hold in parts of the European Union.  In the United States, university faculties, aging hippies and “millennials”—those born near the end of the last and beginning of the current centuries—are most susceptible.

“Eventually it runs its course, unfortunately with the collapse of the infected society,”Soviet collapse Edited Guttenschmartz said, citing the failure of the former Soviet Union, the social chaos gripping Greece and the dysfunction in Venezuela.  “These are classic end-stage scenarios,” he added.  “And unfortunately, nations that contracted the disease and eventually recovered are not immune to new outbreaks; we seldom learn from history.”

Sanders Crazy SymptomaticSenators Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, known to have been ravaged by the outbreak, are cooperating with the medical community by providing tissue samples for study to aid the search for a cure.  Republican lawmakers, so far largely unaffected, are proposing legislation to place Sanders and Warren in isolation to protect against infecting others.  People who experience the symptoms are advised to proceed left to the nearest emergency room where liberal drivel can be suctioned from the eyes, ears and mouth.

 

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