We’re BAAAaaack with a Revengence

HardWired News Takes a Look at the Future

You remember we took a hiatus last October to come up for air.  The lunacy of the liberal left made us more than a little apoplectic, so like a whipped puppy we retreated under the bed for a while.  And while we won’t resume regular weekly articles, look for the occasional piece that strikes our fancy now and again.

Crystal Ball HWNThe reason for our return now was an amazing advance in technology that could not be ignored.  Through the efforts of renowned scientists laboring as an interactive team around the globe and using the latest advances in quantum computing, artificial intelligence, and nano-engineering, it is now possible to divine how things will be in the future.  Fortunately, HardWired News has gained exclusive rights to the technology and has been able to access the front page of The New York Times, the September 17, 2518 edition.  Here are a few headlines 500 years from now:

 

New-York-Times-Logo US Govt
Motto: “the only news allowed to be printed”

HEADLINES

September 17, 2518

HISTORIC POLITICAL ACCORD REACHED

Republican Party Officially Banned

Imprisoned Repubs to be Paroled – Agreement to Cease Further Executions

LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES CONSOLIDATE UNDER ANTIFA

Peace, Love, Kindness & Harmony to Prevail Under Penalty of Death

NEW LEVELS OF NATIONAL PROSPERITY REACHED

Food Stamps, Welfare, Unemployment, Disability Payments Extend to 97% of Population

NATIONAL DEBT TO BE ERASED IN 27th U.S. BANKRUPTCY

“I can’t believe these suckers keep buying our bonds” – President

WEALTHY COUNTRIES PROMISE AID TO U.S.

Puerto Rico, Mexico, Bangladesh Pledge Food, Medicine

COURT RULES COLLEGES DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE STUPID

Universities Required to Remove Confusing Calculations from Science Courses

Dems Pledge Fair Education for All

NEW BRIDGES, DAMS COLLAPSING AT RECORD RATE

Designed by Latest Crop of Engineers – Reason a Mystery

CONVICTIONS FOR STEALING WIND SOAR

Worse Since All Fossil Fuels Were Banned

Bootleg Windmill Surge Stumps Officials at Department of Wishful Thinking & Energy Rationing

BUREAU OF SCARY PREDICTIONS SAYS WARMING TO WIPE OUT CIVILIZATION IN 10 YEARS

Fiftieth Consecutive Prediction

Officials Unable to Explain Deniers

SUPREME COURT SAYS ALL LOTTERY TICKET BUYERS TO RECEIVE SAME PAYOUT

Unfair Enrichment of Privileged Few Deemed Unconstitutional

“Drop in Lottery Ticket Sales a Mystery”: Secretary of Fair Economics

NATIONAL NETWORK OF MILLION COMFORT SHELTERS TO BE EXPANDED

Safe Havens for Liberals Traumatized by Opinions Different from Mainstream

School Comfort Counselor Per Student Ratio Reaches 1 for 1

©New York Times, all rights reserved

Visit us on Facebook, a branch of the U.S. Department of Acceptable Communications

 

Front Cover JPEG - Pestilence_edited-1

And as a bonus, if you’d like to read more satire about a dystopian future under a liberal regime, check out the novel Caine’s Pestilence at Amazon.com.  You won’t be disappointed.

Will Weird California Join the Secession Bandwagon?

California secession image

California is at it again.

You may have heard Catalonia, a region in northeast Spain where the tony resort city of Barcelona is located, wants to secede and become independent.  The French-speaking province of Quebec tried the same thing with Canada a few years earlier.  And the quirky Scots narrowly failed to vote independence from England and the British Empire.  The separatist sentiments continue to smolder in all those regions.

Experts say the quest for separation is due to differences from the rest of the country in a region’s culture, language, religion, ancestral origins, or relative prosperity.  Quebec, for instance, speaks French and has a more robust industrial base than other areas—all English speaking—of Canada.  The Catalonians also have a unique local language and are by and large wealthier than elsewhere in Spain.  And the Scots?  Well, they’re just Scots; there’s really no one else like them.

So how is California so different that it wants to be separate from the rest of America?  HardWired News has done an exhaustive scientific study and learned exactly why.

California differences JPEG copy

So there really are fundamental differences between California and authentic America.California Secession  To be clear, we are talking about the uber-left western regions such as LA, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Berkeley (of course), San Jose (school’s still out on San Diego).  The northern-and-easternmost areas are quite normal and would likely remain American.

So should we let the over-the-moon, whacko liberal areas secede and become their own California nuclear explosioncountry?  It’s an interesting proposition.  Eventually, America could establish diplomatic relations and allow well-regulated tourism and trade between the countries.  Although we could never, ever—under any circumstances—allow them to acquire nuclear weapons!  It would be the same as giving your toddler scissors to run around with.

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Top Ten Ways to Know Hillary Clinton is Running for President in 2020

What Happened 2Hillary Clinton has been busy making public appearances ostensibly promoting her new book, What Happened, a list of pathetic excuses for her 2016 election loss to Donald Trump.  HardWired News opined that it was simply a money-play (How to Tell Hillary Clinton Loves Money…).  But some pundits claim her appearances sound more like political positioning for another run at the White House.

Recall that first she tested the waters unsuccessfully against the ultimate Democrat gore.jpgnominee Al “I invented the Internet” Gore in 2000, and again struck out as her party’s nominee in 2004 when John “Mr. Excitement” Kerry ran against Bush II.  Then in 2008 the self-proclaimed heir-apparent-to-greatness lost in a trouncing to unaccomplished newcomer Barack Obama.  Most famously, she took a woodshed beating from our current Commander-in-Chief, quirky Donald Trump in her 2016 failed attempt.

But now she is sounding candidate-like again, with posturing on national policy questions and assuming the role of denouncer of our sitting president.  So how can we really know if she is preparing for yet another run?

HardWired News has discovered the Top Ten Ways to know if Hilarity is planning another presidential run in 2020.  They are…

10  Publicly came out in support of “taking a knee” by NFL players during our National Anthem, another doofus move unpopular with mainstream voters just like her previous campaign positions

 9 Wrote a humiliating book, What Happened, trying to convince herself that she now knows how to fix what went wrong

 8 Sees that the ineffective Republicans, in control of Congress and the White House, are so hapless in trying to get anything done they couldn’t elect a dogcatcher in 2020

 7  Taking “Tweeting” lessons to out-Tweet the Tweeter-in-Chief

 6 Recently added twenty new pantsuits to her wardrobe

 5 Signed up for charm school

 4 Bought a fifty-five gallon drum of industrial strength No-Doze pills so she can stay awake long enough to campaign in the swing states she ignored and lost the last time

 weiner3 Mastering social media technology by commissioning Anthony Weiner, former husband of her closest advisor Huma Abedin, to teach her the fine art of Snap Chatting photos

 2 Had longtime pal Harvey Weinstein recruit ten thousand Hollywood extras to pack her events and make it look like she is popular in return for undisclosed favors

And the Number One Way to Know Hillary Clinton is Running Again

clinto-bill-tight-lipped.jpg

 1 Had husband Bill Clinton’s mouth and one other undisclosed aperture surgically sewn up so they can’t humiliate her again

Can’t wait to see Hillary where she rightfully belongs (insert your preferred destination here…)

Harmony Berkeley Style

This one is just too good to pass up.

Fox News reported on a protest at Berkeley, home of the University of California, that went a little…shall we say…awry.

UC Berkley riots 2
Berkeley Version of Peace & Love

Of course, you remember Berkeley.  HardWired News has covered their hypocrisy and bigotry in our article The Ascent of Bigotry.  You know, where uber-liberal faculty and their student minions physically beat, Mace and burn speakers who have a different political view than theirs, all in the name of peace, love, tolerance, and diversity.  If people weren’t getting hurt it would be just plain funny.

Anyway, Berkeley has taken things to a new high (or low, depending on your perspective).  During recent left-right dueling protests, an “Empathy Tent” was set up to allow protesters to come in and unwind, bond with the other side, and meditate on the more important things in life.  Peace and love, bro.

Empathy Yvonne Felarca 47
Peace & Love Activist (Assault and Battery)

But—you couldn’t make this stuff up—violence broke out IN the Empathy Tent.  Chilling protesters with opposite views resorted to violence, almost collapsing the tent and resulting in four arrests.  One man was arrested for carrying a deadly weapon.  An extreme-left activist woman, dedicated according to her to peace, acceptance and love, beat the crap out of a right-leaning man.  Unlike the peace-children of an earlier era, these hippies-born-too-late have developed a pretty good left hook.  And looking at these photos of arrested combatants, we think we smell a romance blooming.  Ah….love!

Empathy Eddie Robinson 47
Fellow Combatant & Love Interest

In this day of new thousand-dollar iPhones coming out every few months, apps to hook up adulterers, artificial intelligence and the like, it’s good to see some old standbys that never change.  And that would be the conceited hypocrisy at the venerable University of California at Berkeley.  Go Golden Bears!  Or should it be “Golden Neanderthals”?

2018 JOURNALISM AWARDS ANNOUNCED

Award Show CNN

It’s well known that journalists and their cozy industry organizations fall all over themselves giving each other pointless awards.  Winning them is a big driver for what and how news is covered.  HardWired News has obtained an exclusive preview of the award categories and their standards for the upcoming year.

2018 Journalism Awards

CNN Award for ExcellenceFake News CNN

               best story bashing Trump 

CBS “Ceebies” for Outstanding Reporting

best on-air reporter who only covers Trump stories that can be spun negatively

Broadcast Journalists Organization

 longest consecutive timeline mentioning nothing favorable about Trump or his administration 

Best Fantasy Journalism Awards

 for the reporters who publish the best and/or most unsubstantiated and baseless stories about Trump and Russian collusion, because they so desperately want it to be true (1st, 2nd, 3rd…100th prizes) 

National Organization for Women: Courage in Feminism Writing Award

best articles bashing Melania and Ivanka Trump or their children, and pretending to be pro-women 

Television Late-Night Comedy Patriotism TrophyColbert Cropped

most foul names, crude jokes, and offensive skits about POTUS 

The Pullitzer Prize for Journalistic Excellence

               no standards, just best Trump bashing 

The field is large, the competition fierce.  I can’t wait to see the gala award shows on TV!

How to Tell that Hillary Clinton Loves Money Above All Else

What Happened 3In a recent HardWired News article (Hillary’s Blame Game – September 8) we opined she was writing her latest and most personally embarrassing book, What Happened, not to exonerate herself, but simply to make money.  But how can we really know if she cares more about money than her reputation?

Well, HardWired News has figured it out.  Here are the…

Top Ten Ways to Know That Hillary Clinton Cares More About Money Than Her Reputation, Public Service, or Just About Anything Else

10  Worked for a law firm that solicited huge legal fees (in which she shared) representinghillary-laughing.jpg people with lucrative business before the state of Arkansas while her husband is governor

9  Accepted EXACTLY $100,000 in options trading (something she never did before or since) profits from a broker who kept “poor” records and was an operative of a large company lobbying for a lucrative bill in the Arkansas legislature, which her husband, the governor, then promptly signed into law

8  Accused of secretly investing in and soliciting loans for the speculative White Waterwhite-water.jpg real estate development scheme in Arkansas that contributed to the defrauding of investors and a failure of a financial institution while she was First Lady and her husband Governor of Arkansas

7  Entered the White House as First Lady in 1992 reportedly “dead broke”, then announced a net worth of over one hundred million dollars following years of service as a senator and secretary of state

Created a massive charity that funds much of her travel, salaries for her minions,  andClinton Global Initiative expands her personal influence, then granted official government access and favors selectively to those who made large (megamillions) donations

5  Leveraged her public service experiences by writing two memoirs (before this recent one) involving huge advances, book tours and millions in royalties, then used the resulting publicity to launch a presidential campaign

4  While Secretary of State, had her husband’s speaking fees from those with business pending before her office doubledHillary & Wall Street

3  Charged her own massive speaking fees for secret addresses to Wall Street bankers outlining her political promises to them, then ran for president with their full financial and political support on a (wink-wink) anti-business platform

2  In contravention of a legal order, deleted 30,000 “personal” emails that could shed light on her questionable financial dealings from the server used for her official government business

And the number one way we can tell if Hillary Clinton cares most about money…

 1  Wrote a humiliating book portraying herself for all of posterity as a delusional, classless crybaby-loser, but makes a load of dough in the process

How to Know if Trump Colluded with Russia

Russian American FlagsHave you wondered about rumored election collusion between Donald Trump and Russia (HWN: Aug. 5) and how in the world we can know if it’s true?  Well, the HardWired News staff of political and social scientists has been working on the problem.  Here is their Top Ten List of Ways We’ll Know if Trump Colluded with the Russians:

Top Ten Ways to Know if Trump Colluded with Russia

10 Borscht & vodka replace hotdogs and beer at ML baseball games

Cossack dancer Cropped 9 Trump and Putin caught Cossack dancing in the oval office

8 U.S. Army issued Kalashnikov rifles

7 Former Soviet foreign minister Sergey Lavrov named Trump’s White House chief of staff

6 U.S. Constitution is amended to make Russian Orthodox the official U.S. religion

5 Carnegie Hall becomes the formal home of the Bolshoi Ballet

Melania-Trump Cropped
Czarina

4 Official title of the American First Lady changed to “Czarina”

3 In Washington DC approved attire for women at State events includes babushkas and galoshesRussian Dome CROPPED

2 Colorful onion-shaped lúkovichnaya glavá dome added to the top of the Capitol

And the Number One way we can tell if Trump has colluded with the Russians:

1 Sen. Schumer, Rep. Schiff and Rep. Pelosi are sent to an arctic-Alaska work gulag until they publicly confess their crimes against the State

Liberalitis Pandemic Sweeping U.S. Cities

 

The Daily Echo JPG LOGO COLOR

by Noj Mocsab, August 3, 2017 (TDE/AP)

The Centers for Disease Control has confirmed that the contagious disease, liberalitis, is now endemic in certain large American cities, primarily along the northern Atlantic and Pacific coasts but also in a few other major urban centers such as Chicago.

The infectious condition first emerged in the U.S. during the Roosevelt administration in the Depression-era 1930s.  Its spread was largely held in check during the Eisenhower, Regan and Bush years, but now appears to be expanding.

Gutenschmartz Cropped Editied
Gutenschmartz

Dr. I.M. Gutenschmartz, an epidemiologist and infectious disease specialist from the Universitat ob Innsbruck in Austria, is the world’s foremost authority on the condition.  In a recent interview, he explained that the virus-borne disease affects brain cells in a way that interferes with everyday common sense.  “These patients are afflicted with delusions,” he explained.  “They see and believe things that would be preposterous and obviously false to normal individuals.”

The delusions that result from the condition fall into common patterns.  Infected individuals most frequently imagine the following things:

  • Capitalism is evil, despite historic evidence that it is responsible for America’s prosperity and power
  • High taxes don’t hurt the economy or the middle class, so long as they are only imposed on businesses and successful people
  • Large government bureaucracies are efficient and effective
  • There is no connection between socio-economic systems and freedom
  • If one feels bad about something or someone, a government agency should be created to deal with it
    • Corollary: the government’s main job is to give things to people
  • Paying for things with debt makes them really free, with no cost or consequences to anyone ever
  • Problematic behaviors such as crime, drugs, illegal immigration, cultural unemployment should be subsidized with welfare payments and social programs, then they will go away

The infection was first noted in Russia early in the twentieth century.  More recently, epidemics have occurred in Greece, Cuba and Venezuela.  There are disturbing signs it may have also taken hold in parts of the European Union.  In the United States, university faculties, aging hippies and “millennials”—those born near the end of the last and beginning of the current centuries—are most susceptible.

“Eventually it runs its course, unfortunately with the collapse of the infected society,”Soviet collapse Edited Guttenschmartz said, citing the failure of the former Soviet Union, the social chaos gripping Greece and the dysfunction in Venezuela.  “These are classic end-stage scenarios,” he added.  “And unfortunately, nations that contracted the disease and eventually recovered are not immune to new outbreaks; we seldom learn from history.”

Sanders Crazy SymptomaticSenators Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, known to have been ravaged by the outbreak, are cooperating with the medical community by providing tissue samples for study to aid the search for a cure.  Republican lawmakers, so far largely unaffected, are proposing legislation to place Sanders and Warren in isolation to protect against infecting others.  People who experience the symptoms are advised to proceed left to the nearest emergency room where liberal drivel can be suctioned from the eyes, ears and mouth.

 

Comments to maydupnoos@tde.org

http://www.thisisamadeupstory.com

 

University of California to Invest in Bayonet Training Center

New-York-Times-LogoUC Berkeley To Build “Resist” Training Center

Combination Federal/State Funds For Bayonet Facility

by Noj Mocsab, August 1, 2017 (NYT/AP).

The chancellor of the University of California at Berkeley announced today that a new bayonet training facility will be built on the main campus central quadrangle.  The realistic simulation environment will include target “crash” type dummies like those used for testing cars, with images of prominent conservative and especially pro-Trump figures applied to their faces.  Students and participating faculty will walk through an enclosed course where the targets pop up randomly.  They are then to be bayoneted, upon which the participant will proceed to the next station and stab another conservative dummy.

UC Berkley riots 2
Peace & Kindness Rally

Recent Berkeley campus visits by conservative speakers or other advocates have been met with mace, beatings, punches and stun grenades.  “We will not allow these conservative haters to use our campus as a platform for their repugnant ideas,” said an anonymous student leader of the campus Tolerance & Kindness Movement.  “We insist on kindness, tolerance, and love according to our definition, or we’ll beat your head in,” she added.

Bayonette dummies
UC Berkeley Student Training

“The University takes pride in its record of activism in promoting peace, kindness, and tolerance,” said Chancellor Marion Joyless.  She described the new bayoneting facility as a moderate first-step approach to training for enlightened activists.  “Some thought we should capture actual conservatives in raids on backwater holdout counties such as Colusa or Kern that voted Trump and bring back live targets for use in training,” Joyless said.  “While it would admittedly be more fun and draw more participation, I think the use of simulated conservatives, the dummies, is a more realistic start.”

The Trump administration’s efforts to block the use of federal funds for the bayonet training center have been ruled unconstitutional by the Ninth Circuit Court.  Work is expected to be completed by the fall term.

 

 (comments should be directed to maydupnoos@nyt.org)

http://www.thisisamadeupstory.com

 

Top Ten Things Trump Will Do if California Secedes

Calexit 3

Maybe it’s sadly just human nature to dislike people “different” from us.  Remember the 90s, when the Hutu tribal people of Rwanda slaughtered a million Tutsi people because…well, they weren’t Hutus?  Or the Serbs’ war on Bosnians.  How about book burning in Nazi Germany, where not only people but ideas were rounded up and destroyed, in the pursuit of a purified Aryan nation.

Like you, I’d prefer to believe civilized societies have progressed beyond that kind of vitriolic idiocy.  America, after all, is a mixing pot, a nation of free speech and ideas where differences are not only tolerated but embraced.  Peace, love, kindness and tolerance, the mantra arguably of the progressive left.

Only…not in uberliberal California, the land of plenty where dudes and dudettes can “chill” year-’round in the warm sunshine and invigorating ocean spray.  Where self indulgence, materialism and instant gratification have been elevated to the status of religion.  At the University of California at Berkeley, people with different ideas—political conservatives invited to the campus to speak—are met not with dissent, but with mace, clubs, and fiery riots.  “Keep the haters out!” they scream, backing it up with sticks and stones, the sole reason apparently because the conservatives, the “haters”, simply don’t think like them.  All done in the name of peace, tolerance, inclusiveness and love.

Of course we all know conservatives—Reagan, Bush, Eisenhower—aren’t haters.  They simply see a different path to national well being than do the liberals.  But like the Hutus, Nazis and Serbs of yesterday, Californians don’t see it that way.  And now our West Coast cousins have had a bellyful of us all.  A move is underfoot in California to secede from the Union, from the United States of America.  It’s called Calexit, a clumsy takeoff of “Brexit” where Britain voted to leave the European Union.  Now many of us would say “so what,” no harm—no foul.  Don’t let the door hit you in the rear on your way out.  In fact, an ingenious man has now started a business to help conservatives escape from La-La Land and relocate in sane and safe Texas.

But President Trump, always a step ahead, has developed a strategy for dealing with Calexit.  And here are his Top Ten strategies if California secedes:

Calexit

It’s great to know America is prepared for any eventuality!