Exclusive Interview: Goofy Adam Schiff

 

Schiff goofy CroppedYou remember Adam Schiff, don’t you?  The goofy looking representative from an uber-liberal California district (aren’t they all?).  His only claim to fame was insisting he had indisputable evidence of Trump’s collusion with the Russians to throw the 2016 election, and in turn called for his immediate impeachment.  Of course, now that the Mueller (the handpicked darling of the Dems) report has exonerated the president of collusion and failed to charge him with anything, Schiff has grown strangely silent, although when pressed he continues to maintain that President Trump really did collude, criminally obstructed the investigation, and should be impeached anyway.

So HardWired News caught up with Schiff for a follow-up interview to see what he has to say now:

HWN:    Now that Trump has been exonerated by the Mueller report of collusion, do you think he should still be impeached?

Schiff:    Is the Pope Catholic?

HWN:    You always said you personally have secret absolute proof of his collusion.

Schiff:    I do.

HWN:    What is it?

Schiff:    I don’t feel like saying right now.

HWN:    And what about obstruction of justice claims, for which he was never charged?

Schiff:    He did that too.

HWN:    Didn’t he simply proclaim his innocence, and talk about taking actions, which he never did, based on frustration over a false charge of which he was cleared?

Schiff:    Well…maybe…I just don’t want to talk about that.  He should be impeached.

HWN:    Didn’t the infamous Spanish Inquisition, during which people were tortured and executed for being alleged heretics, find that people claiming their innocence and objecting to the process deserved the death penalty for simply doing that? 

Schiff:    But this is Trump.

HWN:    What do you say to those who claim that you are the goofiest looking legislator ever?

Schiff:    That’s beside the point.  And what about Nancy Pelosi?

HWN:    Were you bullied in high school?  And do you wet the bed?  Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Schiff:    Trump should be impeached.

Schiff Cartoon 7-10-19

For the record, the Honorable Representative Adam Schiff is not a single-issue guy.  He also maintains the End of Days is near, he has been abducted by aliens, the world is flat, and Beto O’Rourke will be elected the next president of the United States.

For more information, go to:

www.thisisamadeupstory.com

A Questioning Look at the Democratic Debates

DebateAre you as befuddled as we were after the most recent Democratic debates?  Remember: silly proposals, wrong-headed claims, and shouting out-of-turn to vie for attention.  It reminded me of a preschool teacher trying to corral a group of unruly four-year-olds.  It defied explanation.  But WAIT!  We remembered the words of renowned physicist Albert Einstein, who taught us that understanding comes not from knowing the answers, but rather from knowing the questions to ask:

Einstein

“Genius isn’t about knowing everything; it’s about knowing what questions to ask?”

So, in that we here at HardWired News are undisputed geniuses, we came up with a few questions to help us understand just what the hell went on:

If illegal aliens are undocumented immigrants, why aren’t bank robbers just making an undocumented withdrawal?

If giving every adult $1000 a month is a good thing, why isn’t giving them all $1 million a month a thousand time better?

If giving people benefits without raising taxes works, why wouldn’t giving poker players (who anteed $10 for ten chips) ten more chips make each player twice as well off?

If people who sneak into our country to get our benefits are victims deserving asylum, why aren’t home invaders entitled to take the stuff and be immediately set free?

If illegal aliens deserve American health care benefits, why not just provide it to them in their home countries so they don’t have to make the trip?

If shouting down your opposition is the way to get noticed and win, why doesn’t ANTIFA run everything?

When our current political hopefuls run out of whacko things to give away in return for votes, what will the next generation of politicos give away?

If Wall Street is the cause of all our problems, why not banish them all to concentration camps like Hitler did with his problem causers?

If using other people’s money to give free stuff away in exchange for votes is a good thing, why don’t candidates take each other’s money and buy the votes of their opponents’ supporters?

If the definition of insanity is using the same failed strategy and expecting different results, why aren’t proponents of socialism adjudicated insane?

We don’t have all the answers to these questions just now (actually we do), but we’re still geniuses for asking them.  Right?

And you, Dear Reader?  We’re pretty sure you have answers of your own (you’re free to post them here).  Good luck!

________________________________________________________

Disclaimer: Einstein never really said that—we made it up (they’re still damn good questions)

A Modest Proposal: Millennials, Snowflakes and the Future of America

scold.jpg

We get it.  Every “older generation” (e.g. us) is critical of young people.  Remember the song from the 60s musical, Bye-bye Birdie.

 

What’s the matter with kids today

why can’t they be like we were

perfect in every way

oh, WHAT’S the matter with kids to – dayyyyyyy

But despite the misgivings of seniors, people pretty much turn out all right (if you forget the Hippies).  At least they have in the past.

However, enter the Millennials, colloquially defined as those reaching young adulthood in this, the early twenty-first century.  Inexplicably, they are a generation raised apart from the normal experience of human history, as if in some bizarre, misguided science experiment.

Remember how we signed up for after-school programs?  Little league, Brownies or Cub Scouts?  In contrast, the Millennials are craftily enrolled by calculating parents in carefully selected activities designed to give their children just the right experience to make them superior to all others.  While we grabbed a glove and went down to the sandlot to play some ball with our buds, now, hovering soccer moms and “involved” soccer momfathers sign the kids up, drive them, participate in every aspect, argue with coaches and umpires, take everyone out for pizza afterwards, and console the losers.  And everyone is told again and again, “good job!” (barf)  Helicopter mothers endlessly circle over their children’s lives.  No wonder these children cannot function in modern society.

“So what?” you might say.  “I haven’t any skin in the game.  No harm, no foul, just let them be doofuses.”  If so, you’d be missing a key point.

They will be our future leaders!  No way around it.  The normal people are going to die (we hope this doesn’t shock you) and they will be the only folks left.  If you think the generations coming up behind will be more functional, think again.  The Millennials, unlike their parents, seem bent on raising their kids exactly like they were!  It’s part of the disease.

Think about it.  Here are some characteristics of Millennials that would define their performance as our leaders:

texting
Millennials Preparing for Leadership
  • Can’t write or read cursive
  • Types with their thumbs
  • Writes in primitive abbreviations (e.g. you are = ur)
  • Corollary: Can’t spell without SpellCheck, and even then screws it up
  • Believes debt should be forgiven by the government if it was for a good cause or didn’t work out
  • Just fine interrupting a conversation to answer the phone or respond to a text
  • Posts every action and thought on the Internet
  • Corollary: posts photos of an accident rather than helping
  • Thinks the government has infinite money
  • Sees no problem with socialism, and can’t understand why all countries don’t do it
  • Can find no logical connection between market capitalism and our standard of living or success as a nation
  • Believes a job is a right that exists for their personal enjoyment
  • Keeps a small electronic device constantly attached to their hands and frozen in front of their face
  • Are convinced we are dumb
millennials-reschooled.jpg
Reeducation Camp

For the majority who say we should euthanize these young people and start over, we at HardWired News believe that possibly is too harsh (although we’re keeping an open mind).  We should compassionately take a note from Stalin’s playbook, and send them to “reeducation” camps, where they can be straightened out, even if it takes the rest of their lives (heh-heh-heh).  There they would be responsible for their own decisions.  Consequences for actions and inaction would fall upon them without interference.  They would be allowed to formulate their own goals, achieve them or not, and live with the results.  The inmates could reach their own decisions absent liberal dogma or political correctness.

Or are we just dreaming?

__________________________________________

You do realize we’re kidding, right?  Sort of…

We’re BAAAaaack with a Revengence

HardWired News Takes a Look at the Future

You remember we took a hiatus last October to come up for air.  The lunacy of the liberal left made us more than a little apoplectic, so like a whipped puppy we retreated under the bed for a while.  And while we won’t resume regular weekly articles, look for the occasional piece that strikes our fancy now and again.

Crystal Ball HWNThe reason for our return now was an amazing advance in technology that could not be ignored.  Through the efforts of renowned scientists laboring as an interactive team around the globe and using the latest advances in quantum computing, artificial intelligence, and nano-engineering, it is now possible to divine how things will be in the future.  Fortunately, HardWired News has gained exclusive rights to the technology and has been able to access the front page of The New York Times, the September 17, 2518 edition.  Here are a few headlines 500 years from now:

 

New-York-Times-Logo US Govt
Motto: “the only news allowed to be printed”

HEADLINES

September 17, 2518

HISTORIC POLITICAL ACCORD REACHED

Republican Party Officially Banned

Imprisoned Repubs to be Paroled – Agreement to Cease Further Executions

LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES CONSOLIDATE UNDER ANTIFA

Peace, Love, Kindness & Harmony to Prevail Under Penalty of Death

NEW LEVELS OF NATIONAL PROSPERITY REACHED

Food Stamps, Welfare, Unemployment, Disability Payments Extend to 97% of Population

NATIONAL DEBT TO BE ERASED IN 27th U.S. BANKRUPTCY

“I can’t believe these suckers keep buying our bonds” – President

WEALTHY COUNTRIES PROMISE AID TO U.S.

Puerto Rico, Mexico, Bangladesh Pledge Food, Medicine

COURT RULES COLLEGES DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE STUPID

Universities Required to Remove Confusing Calculations from Science Courses

Dems Pledge Fair Education for All

NEW BRIDGES, DAMS COLLAPSING AT RECORD RATE

Designed by Latest Crop of Engineers – Reason a Mystery

CONVICTIONS FOR STEALING WIND SOAR

Worse Since All Fossil Fuels Were Banned

Bootleg Windmill Surge Stumps Officials at Department of Wishful Thinking & Energy Rationing

BUREAU OF SCARY PREDICTIONS SAYS WARMING TO WIPE OUT CIVILIZATION IN 10 YEARS

Fiftieth Consecutive Prediction

Officials Unable to Explain Deniers

SUPREME COURT SAYS ALL LOTTERY TICKET BUYERS TO RECEIVE SAME PAYOUT

Unfair Enrichment of Privileged Few Deemed Unconstitutional

“Drop in Lottery Ticket Sales a Mystery”: Secretary of Fair Economics

NATIONAL NETWORK OF MILLION COMFORT SHELTERS TO BE EXPANDED

Safe Havens for Liberals Traumatized by Opinions Different from Mainstream

School Comfort Counselor Per Student Ratio Reaches 1 for 1

©New York Times, all rights reserved

Visit us on Facebook, a branch of the U.S. Department of Acceptable Communications

 

Front Cover JPEG - Pestilence_edited-1

And as a bonus, if you’d like to read more satire about a dystopian future under a liberal regime, check out the novel Caine’s Pestilence at Amazon.com.  You won’t be disappointed.

HardWired News Takes a Hiatus

To every thing there is a season

and a time to every purpose under the heaven

                                                       …The Holy Bible

 

Circuit Board rose HW cropped
If it’s HardWired it must be RIGHT

Have you enjoyed HardWired News?  Hundreds of others have with many thousands of visits to our website to read our quirky articles during the three months since we started it.

We admit we’re right-leaning.  And we’re unconventional.  Our style is not to rant or rave about political issues, but to inform through humor, satire, or parody.  We’ve presented our beloved readers with faux New York Times articles lampooning the way they weaveNew-York-Times-Logo ideology into “news” reporting.  Then there were the put-ons of the pomposity of figures like Hillary Clinton or the inescapable bigotry of the liberals.  Remember the time we announced the Dr Evilspread of the deadly disease “Liberalitis,” or the fact that the ultimate victimizer and Austin Powers’ nemesis, Dr. Evil, had been identified and located on a mountaintop in Nevada?  We had as good a laugh writing it as hopefully you did reading it.

It’s mostly done with tongue-in-cheek with the intent of creating a smile in our divided world, while still making valid points to help more people understand and reflect upon the nuisances of the issues of the day.

But, as the lead-in Bible quote to this article suggests, there is a time and place for HWN Logo MaleRock Guitarist CROPPEDeverything and ours is drawing to an end, at least on a regular basis.  We approached this project as a short-term beta test to judge its appeal and gauge reader reaction.  Those goals have been accomplished.  We’ve attracted many hundreds of fans on the main website and our Facebook page, and have garnered a robust and loyal readership.  But it’s hard to overstate the time and effort involved in creating the regular stream of quality content many of you have come to enjoy, and so many of our points have now been made.

Goodbye baby FinalSo, for now, we are taking a hiatus and moving on to other projects, at least for a time.  You may still see the very occasional piece here when something really rings our bell, but the three-to-four articles weekly will sadly stop for the time being.

Thank you for reading, enjoying (some liberals gave us bloody hell), and commenting on HardWired News.  The site will still be here, and you can always contact us through the About page.  For now, know that we deeply value your loyal readership, and wish you a bittersweet Adieu until we meet again.

John Petersburg Harbor cropped
Goodbye for now

Will Weird California Join the Secession Bandwagon?

California secession image

California is at it again.

You may have heard Catalonia, a region in northeast Spain where the tony resort city of Barcelona is located, wants to secede and become independent.  The French-speaking province of Quebec tried the same thing with Canada a few years earlier.  And the quirky Scots narrowly failed to vote independence from England and the British Empire.  The separatist sentiments continue to smolder in all those regions.

Experts say the quest for separation is due to differences from the rest of the country in a region’s culture, language, religion, ancestral origins, or relative prosperity.  Quebec, for instance, speaks French and has a more robust industrial base than other areas—all English speaking—of Canada.  The Catalonians also have a unique local language and are by and large wealthier than elsewhere in Spain.  And the Scots?  Well, they’re just Scots; there’s really no one else like them.

So how is California so different that it wants to be separate from the rest of America?  HardWired News has done an exhaustive scientific study and learned exactly why.

California differences JPEG copy

So there really are fundamental differences between California and authentic America.California Secession  To be clear, we are talking about the uber-left western regions such as LA, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Berkeley (of course), San Jose (school’s still out on San Diego).  The northern-and-easternmost areas are quite normal and would likely remain American.

So should we let the over-the-moon, whacko liberal areas secede and become their own California nuclear explosioncountry?  It’s an interesting proposition.  Eventually, America could establish diplomatic relations and allow well-regulated tourism and trade between the countries.  Although we could never, ever—under any circumstances—allow them to acquire nuclear weapons!  It would be the same as giving your toddler scissors to run around with.

Be sure to visit HardWired News on Facebook

Top Ten Ways to Know Hillary Clinton is Running for President in 2020

What Happened 2Hillary Clinton has been busy making public appearances ostensibly promoting her new book, What Happened, a list of pathetic excuses for her 2016 election loss to Donald Trump.  HardWired News opined that it was simply a money-play (How to Tell Hillary Clinton Loves Money…).  But some pundits claim her appearances sound more like political positioning for another run at the White House.

Recall that first she tested the waters unsuccessfully against the ultimate Democrat gore.jpgnominee Al “I invented the Internet” Gore in 2000, and again struck out as her party’s nominee in 2004 when John “Mr. Excitement” Kerry ran against Bush II.  Then in 2008 the self-proclaimed heir-apparent-to-greatness lost in a trouncing to unaccomplished newcomer Barack Obama.  Most famously, she took a woodshed beating from our current Commander-in-Chief, quirky Donald Trump in her 2016 failed attempt.

But now she is sounding candidate-like again, with posturing on national policy questions and assuming the role of denouncer of our sitting president.  So how can we really know if she is preparing for yet another run?

HardWired News has discovered the Top Ten Ways to know if Hilarity is planning another presidential run in 2020.  They are…

10  Publicly came out in support of “taking a knee” by NFL players during our National Anthem, another doofus move unpopular with mainstream voters just like her previous campaign positions

 9 Wrote a humiliating book, What Happened, trying to convince herself that she now knows how to fix what went wrong

 8 Sees that the ineffective Republicans, in control of Congress and the White House, are so hapless in trying to get anything done they couldn’t elect a dogcatcher in 2020

 7  Taking “Tweeting” lessons to out-Tweet the Tweeter-in-Chief

 6 Recently added twenty new pantsuits to her wardrobe

 5 Signed up for charm school

 4 Bought a fifty-five gallon drum of industrial strength No-Doze pills so she can stay awake long enough to campaign in the swing states she ignored and lost the last time

 weiner3 Mastering social media technology by commissioning Anthony Weiner, former husband of her closest advisor Huma Abedin, to teach her the fine art of Snap Chatting photos

 2 Had longtime pal Harvey Weinstein recruit ten thousand Hollywood extras to pack her events and make it look like she is popular in return for undisclosed favors

And the Number One Way to Know Hillary Clinton is Running Again

clinto-bill-tight-lipped.jpg

 1 Had husband Bill Clinton’s mouth and one other undisclosed aperture surgically sewn up so they can’t humiliate her again

Can’t wait to see Hillary where she rightfully belongs (insert your preferred destination here…)

CNN Goes Commando: National Enquirer Style

 

enquirer.jpgYou gotta’ love The National Enquirer, you know—the sleazy tabloid found near grocery checkouts that your mother used to glance at when she thought no one was looking?  It was as nutty as it was outrageous.  Here are a few of their iconic headlines:

 

Supreme Court Justice Scalia—Murdered by a Hooker (May 2016)

DEA Sting! Jeb Bush Snorted Cocaine on Night Dad Became Pres (Feb. 2016)

Rita Hayworth says…”I’m back from the dead: two years a Zombie” (Dec. 1968)

Cosby had Son Murdered (October 2015)

Like your goofy Uncle Barney’s outlandish stories he weaves after a few toddies, the attention-grabbing premises—built on the tiniest grains of truth—are too scurrilous to resist.

CNN Anti Trump

But now the venerable Enquirer has some competition.  In the face of falling ratings, CNN has adopted an Enquirer-like disregard for realism, spinning every story possible with an “ain’t Trump awful” twist to appeal to the side of liberals that desperately wants to believe the silly articles.  Here are a few headlines from or about CNN:

 

“Donald Trump’s 57 Most Outrageous Quotes” (CNN Aug. 2017)

“Donald Trump’s last 7 days are just mind-bogglingly bad” (CNN Sept. 2017)

”CNN Faces Backlash over Doctored Trump Video” (CNBC July 2017)

Fake News CNNThese are just a few recent ones.  And if you think I’m overreacting, scholars at the notoriously liberal Harvard conducted a study of news coverage about Donald Trump.  They found CNN stories about the president were negative 93% of the time, the worst of any outlet studied.  The Washington Examiner (May 2017) said of the study

“..coverage was so negative it is hard to argue it was anywhere near neutral…CNN’s Trump coverage was 93% negative..negative stories outpaced positive by 13-1”

Hey, but maybe you think CNN’s exaggerated anti-Trump spin is just good business.  If so, you’d be wrong.  During the study period, CNN continued to have weak ratings.  According to TVNewser (adweek), a website devoted to covering media developments, CNN was only 8th among cable news programs, while Fox News easily held the Number One spot.

Fake News 8So is there a lesson here?  Maybe it’s if your theory is “sell the sizzle, not the steak” in news coverage, at least make sure there’s a real steak there.  Otherwise, you might just go hungry—at least TV viewer-wise.

Science Mimics Life: Liberals and the Sex-Robots

HardWired News bends over backward (not like you think) to avoid prurient themes.  But we couldn’t resist this one.

Fox News reported that our scientists—backed by generous government grants, no doubt—are working double-time to perfect sex robots.  You heard me: droids (as in “androids,” not the phone) are being developed to look and act like fully functioning sexsex-robot.jpg partners for the truly lonely.  Apparently, they will not only have comely appearances and operational “parts,” but will possess artificial intelligence, computer generated speech and the right actions to mimic passionate moves and emotions of real lovers.  No sense wasting those research dollars on things like vaccines for infectious diseases or cancer cures.  Is this a great country, or what?

sex-robot-mia.jpeg
Carnally Adept Synthetic

Actually, there was an eerily similar theme in the recent AMC cable sci-fi series,  HUM∀NS.  In it, synthetic people fulfilled the every wish (including sexual) of their owners.  As you might expect, it didn’t end well if you don’t like murderous, rebelling robots unleashed on humanity.  But the latest effort reported by Fox is anything but fiction.  Apparently, it is quite real.

Now if you’re like me, you might think no one in their right mind would go for this.  But then you think of the liberals, with their plastic programs that really achieve nothing but make them feel good with artificially induced satisfaction.  Things like passing gun laws that don’t really reduce crime (Chicago), outlawing “hate” crimes (like crimes aren’t really bad unless we label them hateful), banning “offensive” words or phrases (such as “freshman”, “American dream”, “illegal alien”, “radical Islamic terrorist” in California schools), or of course destroying statues of historic characters who had a nasty point of view.  One wonders if they lean back and smoke a cigarette after implementing these things.

Once we understand the sex robots are a metaphor for the liberals, well…it’s all good ISex Robot cartoon guess.  At least it might keep the libs harmlessly occupied and thereby reduce the damage they do to our country.  Maybe they’ll be included as a mandatory benefit under a new ObamaCare on steroids, or should I say Viagra.

After all, what could go wrong?

Harmony Berkeley Style

This one is just too good to pass up.

Fox News reported on a protest at Berkeley, home of the University of California, that went a little…shall we say…awry.

UC Berkley riots 2
Berkeley Version of Peace & Love

Of course, you remember Berkeley.  HardWired News has covered their hypocrisy and bigotry in our article The Ascent of Bigotry.  You know, where uber-liberal faculty and their student minions physically beat, Mace and burn speakers who have a different political view than theirs, all in the name of peace, love, tolerance, and diversity.  If people weren’t getting hurt it would be just plain funny.

Anyway, Berkeley has taken things to a new high (or low, depending on your perspective).  During recent left-right dueling protests, an “Empathy Tent” was set up to allow protesters to come in and unwind, bond with the other side, and meditate on the more important things in life.  Peace and love, bro.

Empathy Yvonne Felarca 47
Peace & Love Activist (Assault and Battery)

But—you couldn’t make this stuff up—violence broke out IN the Empathy Tent.  Chilling protesters with opposite views resorted to violence, almost collapsing the tent and resulting in four arrests.  One man was arrested for carrying a deadly weapon.  An extreme-left activist woman, dedicated according to her to peace, acceptance and love, beat the crap out of a right-leaning man.  Unlike the peace-children of an earlier era, these hippies-born-too-late have developed a pretty good left hook.  And looking at these photos of arrested combatants, we think we smell a romance blooming.  Ah….love!

Empathy Eddie Robinson 47
Fellow Combatant & Love Interest

In this day of new thousand-dollar iPhones coming out every few months, apps to hook up adulterers, artificial intelligence and the like, it’s good to see some old standbys that never change.  And that would be the conceited hypocrisy at the venerable University of California at Berkeley.  Go Golden Bears!  Or should it be “Golden Neanderthals”?