A Modest Proposal: Millennials, Snowflakes and the Future of America

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We get it.  Every “older generation” (e.g. us) is critical of young people.  Remember the song from the 60s musical, Bye-bye Birdie.

 

What’s the matter with kids today

why can’t they be like we were

perfect in every way

oh, WHAT’S the matter with kids to – dayyyyyyy

But despite the misgivings of seniors, people pretty much turn out all right (if you forget the Hippies).  At least they have in the past.

However, enter the Millennials, colloquially defined as those reaching young adulthood in this, the early twenty-first century.  Inexplicably, they are a generation raised apart from the normal experience of human history, as if in some bizarre, misguided science experiment.

Remember how we signed up for after-school programs?  Little league, Brownies or Cub Scouts?  In contrast, the Millennials are craftily enrolled by calculating parents in carefully selected activities designed to give their children just the right experience to make them superior to all others.  While we grabbed a glove and went down to the sandlot to play some ball with our buds, now, hovering soccer moms and “involved” soccer momfathers sign the kids up, drive them, participate in every aspect, argue with coaches and umpires, take everyone out for pizza afterwards, and console the losers.  And everyone is told again and again, “good job!” (barf)  Helicopter mothers endlessly circle over their children’s lives.  No wonder these children cannot function in modern society.

“So what?” you might say.  “I haven’t any skin in the game.  No harm, no foul, just let them be doofuses.”  If so, you’d be missing a key point.

They will be our future leaders!  No way around it.  The normal people are going to die (we hope this doesn’t shock you) and they will be the only folks left.  If you think the generations coming up behind will be more functional, think again.  The Millennials, unlike their parents, seem bent on raising their kids exactly like they were!  It’s part of the disease.

Think about it.  Here are some characteristics of Millennials that would define their performance as our leaders:

texting
Millennials Preparing for Leadership
  • Can’t write or read cursive
  • Types with their thumbs
  • Writes in primitive abbreviations (e.g. you are = ur)
  • Corollary: Can’t spell without SpellCheck, and even then screws it up
  • Believes debt should be forgiven by the government if it was for a good cause or didn’t work out
  • Just fine interrupting a conversation to answer the phone or respond to a text
  • Posts every action and thought on the Internet
  • Corollary: posts photos of an accident rather than helping
  • Thinks the government has infinite money
  • Sees no problem with socialism, and can’t understand why all countries don’t do it
  • Can find no logical connection between market capitalism and our standard of living or success as a nation
  • Believes a job is a right that exists for their personal enjoyment
  • Keeps a small electronic device constantly attached to their hands and frozen in front of their face
  • Are convinced we are dumb
millennials-reschooled.jpg
Reeducation Camp

For the majority who say we should euthanize these young people and start over, we at HardWired News believe that possibly is too harsh (although we’re keeping an open mind).  We should compassionately take a note from Stalin’s playbook, and send them to “reeducation” camps, where they can be straightened out, even if it takes the rest of their lives (heh-heh-heh).  There they would be responsible for their own decisions.  Consequences for actions and inaction would fall upon them without interference.  They would be allowed to formulate their own goals, achieve them or not, and live with the results.  The inmates could reach their own decisions absent liberal dogma or political correctness.

Or are we just dreaming?

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You do realize we’re kidding, right?  Sort of…

University of California to Invest in Bayonet Training Center

New-York-Times-LogoUC Berkeley To Build “Resist” Training Center

Combination Federal/State Funds For Bayonet Facility

by Noj Mocsab, August 1, 2017 (NYT/AP).

The chancellor of the University of California at Berkeley announced today that a new bayonet training facility will be built on the main campus central quadrangle.  The realistic simulation environment will include target “crash” type dummies like those used for testing cars, with images of prominent conservative and especially pro-Trump figures applied to their faces.  Students and participating faculty will walk through an enclosed course where the targets pop up randomly.  They are then to be bayoneted, upon which the participant will proceed to the next station and stab another conservative dummy.

UC Berkley riots 2
Peace & Kindness Rally

Recent Berkeley campus visits by conservative speakers or other advocates have been met with mace, beatings, punches and stun grenades.  “We will not allow these conservative haters to use our campus as a platform for their repugnant ideas,” said an anonymous student leader of the campus Tolerance & Kindness Movement.  “We insist on kindness, tolerance, and love according to our definition, or we’ll beat your head in,” she added.

Bayonette dummies
UC Berkeley Student Training

“The University takes pride in its record of activism in promoting peace, kindness, and tolerance,” said Chancellor Marion Joyless.  She described the new bayoneting facility as a moderate first-step approach to training for enlightened activists.  “Some thought we should capture actual conservatives in raids on backwater holdout counties such as Colusa or Kern that voted Trump and bring back live targets for use in training,” Joyless said.  “While it would admittedly be more fun and draw more participation, I think the use of simulated conservatives, the dummies, is a more realistic start.”

The Trump administration’s efforts to block the use of federal funds for the bayonet training center have been ruled unconstitutional by the Ninth Circuit Court.  Work is expected to be completed by the fall term.

 

 (comments should be directed to maydupnoos@nyt.org)

http://www.thisisamadeupstory.com